Jokes Thread

[Delta Whiskey]

Stolen from today's BBC Newsnight E-Mail:
Today's offering was sent by Newsnight viewer Nick Webb:

-------

A brand new store has just opened in London - and it sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:

"You may visit this store only once. There are 6 floors and the value of
the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item
from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you can't go back down except to leave the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good
looking.

"Great," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and
Help with Housework.

"Fantastic" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

--------

[Cobbydaler]

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?

Spoiler: 

Because proper tea is theft...

[cimt]

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Friday.

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by Cobbydaler

Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?...

Why do the police use a strainer?





It helps them catch the tea leafs.

(if you don't "get it", ask a cockney geezer)

[Derek]

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader?

Tell them asylum seekers kill paedophiles.

[Orior]

What does DNA stand for?

The National Dyslexic Association.

[bw41101]

Two ladies talking in Heaven...........

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.....

[Mr_love_monkey]

not really a joke - but not worth a thread on it's own

badly placed ads

http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx

[TheNorm]

My uncle who lives in Canada sent me this:

Complaints from Council House Owners

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters.

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle, very badly, when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water; it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning, at
6 AM, his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[Cobbydaler]

Two old men feel they are close to their last days and decide to have a final night on the town. After drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam looks at the old geezers and whispers to her manager; “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk; I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.�

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they're walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!�

“Dead?� says his friend, “Why do you say that?�

“She never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.�

His friend says, “Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.�

“A witch, why the hell would you say that?� asks his friend.

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite... She broke wind and flew out of the window.�

[xpod]

Dont you just hate all those lesbian websites.....theres always one going down....

On that theme -

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A computer that won't go down on you.........

[xpod]

And sticking with the current theme

Why do nuns walk in pairs???....
So that one nun can make sure that the other nun dont get none.

Two nuns sitting on a park bench when a streaker run past....
One nun had a stroke but the other nun could`nt reach.