Jokes Thread

[Sox]

Dirty Laundry

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.
"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead."
So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, darling?"
"No," she snapped back, "I definitely shut it." Then she rolled over and fell asleep.
The next morning, she woke up feeling a little frisky herself, so she nudged her husband and said: "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all..."
"Don't worry," said the man. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[Welshchris]

Met a transvestite last night who had a really great positive view on life.

He loves to just eat, drink and be Mary :-D

[Sox]

John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded,rural area of Georgia.After spending a great evening,chatting the night away,John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon,eggs and toast.However,John noticed a film-like subtance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,"Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them.Just you go ahead and finish your meal,Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again,John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, " Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before,Sonny,those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.Now don't you fret,I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon,John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted....."COLDWATER, go lay down!"

[carlwaring]

Haha, but also... ewww

[Skyranger]

The rules from the male side.

1) Men are not mind readers. (The first and foremost rule)
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up - put it down. We need it up - you need it down. You don't hear us complaining if you leave it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Just let it be.
4) Crying is blackmail.
5) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
6) 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact all comments become null and void after 7 days.
9) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
10) If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry - we meant the other one.
11) You can ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how best to do it, then just do it yourself.
12) Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
13) Christopher Columbus did not need directions. Neither do we.
14) All men see in only 16 colours. Like a Window's default setting. 'Peach' is a fruit not a colour. 'Pumpkin' is also a fruit. We have no idea what 'mauve' is.
15) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
16) If we ask what is wrong and you say' nothing' we will act as if nothing is wrong. We know you're lying but it's just not worth the hassle.
17) If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
18) When we have to out somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine - honestly.
19) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as football, cricket and rugby.
20) You have enough clothes.
21) You have too many shoes.
22) I am in shape. 'Round' is a shape.

Yes, I know I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. Don't mind though. It's like camping, really.
'Sigh' Expect a full blooded response from the girlies.

[Welshchris]

I got so fed up of everyone at work saying my watch made me look gay that I now ignore them.

I wouldn't even give them the time of day.

[Sasha222]

[Sox]

This young man buys his 90 year old Grandfather the services of a call girl.The girl arrives and says, 'Hi! I'm here to give you Super Sex,'
'Oh, thank you,' replies the old man. 'I'll have the Soup please.'

[carlwaring]

Originally Posted by Skyranger

12) Whenever possible please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Or pay for a Tivo

[Skyranger]

Okay Carlwaring. You got me. What on earth is a 'Tivo'?

[Sox]

A wee lad was crying his eyes out in a hugh shopping centre one day.
"What's the matter?" asked a policeman.
"I've lost my Dad," cried the little boy.
"What's he like?" asked the copper.
"Beer,Women and Fags." said the little boy.

[Welshchris]

What's made of rubber and mists up all of your windows?


Condomsation

[carlwaring]

Originally Posted by Skyranger

Okay Carlwaring. You got me. What on earth is a 'Tivo'?

That's a good one

[Sox]

After a morning stroll the three bears head for the kitchen to see if their breakfast had cooled down.
"Sombody's eaten my porridge." cries the baby bear.
"And somebody's eaten my porridge," exclaims the mother bear.
"Stuff the porridge!" yells the father bear. "Where's the ****** DVD player?"

[Sox]

Two guys were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One said to the other, 'That there gal is having a bad time!'

The other agreed and said, 'Think we should go help?

'You bet,' said the first, and with that he ran over and asked, 'Can you breathe?'

She shook her head, 'No!'

He said, 'Can you speak?'

She again shook her head, 'No!'

With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked was the young lady that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

Back to his friend, he said, 'Funny how that Hind Lick Manoeuver always works!'