Jokes Thread

[MovedGoalPosts]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

The Surrealist Compliment Generator

You have not yet reached the height of your depravity.

[Raistlin]

Your entrance is ever a segue to endless lands of derision.


Though I may never see you again, I wish you the warmest clam chowder, the finest of embalmings, and the best in stainless steel cadaver pans that money can buy.

Madam, what a handsome moustashe you wear!

[Nugget]

You cannot compare with the apex of a ferris wheel, nor the nadir of a ditch filled with a coelocanth's droppings.

Your beautiful bulgarian bricks stack like the thousand eyes of Estonian potatos, peering amid fuzzy dreams of corrugated cardboard.

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. "

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......



"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

[marky]

found this news report



At an urgently convened meeting of Great Britain's COBRA emergency planning committee, the British Government have introduced a devastating weapon as their contribution to The War on Terror.

In response to the outcry at yesterday's Police gunning of a tinted gentleman on his way to an urgent picnic in Hyde Park, Police, Security Services, senior Government officials and Ministers alongwith several representatives of Le Corps de Royal Variety Performance met in a secret bunker to thrash out a new approach.

Proceedings began with a two minute silence in memory of the passing of Variety Theatre. Luminaries of End of The Pier shows including Keith Harris, Bernie Clifton, The Chuckle Brothers and esteemed art critic, Dame Brian Sewell rubbed shoulders with chief Government advisers Bono, Sir Bob Geldof and Orville as heads were banged together in an urgent effort to, Make Terrorism History.

Various suggestions were considered with The Chuckle Brothers generously offering themselves to man Tube Stations with their signature outsize ladders performing their "To Me - To You" routine, thus thwarting any efforts of crazed suicide bombers to rush, unhindered, onto the trains.

Bernie Clifton pointed out that his speciality act of riding an out of control Rhea would similarly disrupt the rapid transit of terrorists. The added height gained by sitting atop his bird would provide an overview of the crowds and any rucksack clad, sandwich box carrying killer could be spotted with ease and reported to the appropriate authorities.

Perhaps not surprisingly Keith Harris and Orville were completely unable to offer any useful contribution, although, Bono did point out that their rendition of "I wish I could Fly" might have been an ideal theme tune for the now deceased 9/11 terrorists and regardless of that aside, the duo had inspired him in the early stages of his own musical career.

It was at this point, with heads and chins almost scratched away to nothing, that Dame Brian Sewell saved the day. His suggestion, that what Great Britain needed at this time of crisis, was a return to good old British Values, where people could pay their taxes and walk the streets without fear of being offended by tacky displays of flowers by roadsides to commemorate some dead people and pavements cluttered with boards of pinned up photographs of The Missing with completely tasteless frames and mounts. "No - what we need is The King Of Comedy - Sir Ken Dodd and his Diddymen", lisped the somewhat effette, proponent of good taste and all round genius.

An urgent call was put out to the Jam Butty Mines of Knotty Ash and quicker than you could say, Ooooh How tickled I am, in burst Ken Dodd and his troupe of Diddymen fully equipped with their Tickling Sticks. Agreement was reached that The Diddymen will provide intensive training to The Metropolitan Police in the use of tickling sticks. Officers will be positioned on guard at Bus Stops and Tube Stations around London to tickle all prospective passengers.

Skillful use of said specialist equipment will result in travellers writhing hysterically and the Diddymen themselves, what with their limited stature will be able to look up under the flailing arms of the amused ticklees to check for any signs of wires or hidden explosives. Those found to be prospective bombers can then be shot immediately and will die laughing.

Prime Minister Blair visibly sighed with relief at this ingenious plan to put an end to London's recent troubles and immediately conferred a long overdue Knighthood on Sir Ken.

The scheme will be funded from proceeds of a new charity recording of 'Happiness" by Bono, Sir Bob and Sir Ken with Prime Minister Blair on backing guitar and Home Secretary Charles Clarke, on the spoons. Should these sterling efforts fail and further bomb attacks lead to any fatalities Sir Bob Geldof has kindly agreed to raise victims from the dead.

Sir Ken Dodd is 96 and still has someone else's teeth.

[Paul K]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the
shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him so he asked her what was wrong. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[Raistlin]

A little boy and his father went into the Chemist.

The boy spots the condom display behind the counter and starts asking his Father questions:

Boy: "Dad, why do those ones come in packs of three?"
Father: "Well son, those are for School Boys. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday night."
Boy: "So why do those ones come in packs of six then?"
Father: "The ones that come in packs of six are for college boys. Two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday night."
Boy: "Oh.....so what about those ones then? Why do they come in packs of twelve?"

At this the Father turns to his son, and with a tear in his eye he says: "Son, those ones are for married men. One for January, One for February.........."

[Angua]

That reminds me.

A father and son were out for a walk together when they came across two dogs mating, the boy asks "dad what are they doing?" Dad replies "they are making puppies".


A couple of nights later the son disturbs his parents mid coitus, and asks "dad what are you doing?" Dad answers "we are making a baby".

Son promtly says................."turn mum over I'd rather have puppies".....[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]






A Veeeerrrryyyyy old joke (from my teens)

[grandmaster]

Where does Kylie Monogue get her kebabs from?


Jasons Donner Van

I'll get me coat...........

[Angua]

Hope this has not been done elsewhere?

If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.

Frank says: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ... . . just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like poop to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

[Ramrod]

Sorry Anqua..........before your time so you weren't to know
........but I did pmsl again though

[Hom3r]

Here are some of the joke I heared on my hols but cannot remember the others

I bought my niece a jigsaw for her birthday, she plugged it in and cut off the fingers.

What happened when Moses went to mount olive? Popeye kicked his head in.

What goes click click is it done yet? Stevie Wonder doing the Rubikââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Cube.

The other day I was with a group of people and one of the was obviously wearing a wig, I stood up and said to him †˜Look mate everybody here knows youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re wearing a wig, why donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you take it off as it makes you look sillyââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ then the bugger gave me 6 months.


This salesman knock on a door, which is opened by a 7 year old boy holding a large glass of brandy in one hand, and a lighted Cuba cigar in the other, he says to him †˜Are mummy or daddy home?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ to which the boy replies †˜Does it look like it?ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢

The other day I was walking my 5 year old through the park and he saw dogs going at it. My little boy asks me what are they doing? I reply †˜Well they are um well they making puppiesââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ which he was happy with, latter that night he walked in to my bedroom were me and the missus were going at it. He asked what were we doing I said that we were making babies, he said can you turn her over I want a puppy.


One morning I said to the wife that the milkman has made love to all but one woman in our street, she said it must that stuck up cow at number 31.


I used to work at Specsavers, I made no money but loads of contacts.


I had been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and she said that we were invited to meet her parents, and that her bedroom was very far from her parents bedroom and that we wouldnââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t be heard. So the day before I went to the chemist to get a packet of three, but the chemist said that they only come in packets of 5, 10, 12, I ask how come, he said that the 5-pack were for the Italians, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday. The 10-pack were for the British Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, twice on Saturday and three times on Sunday. And the 12-pack was for the French Jan, Febââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¦. I asked him for two 12 packs, as Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m seeing my girlfriend this weekend. Anyway traffic was a nightmare and I got there 1 hour late, I was meet at the door by my girlfriend who was spitting nails, and she said go in to the dining room as they are about to serve. I went into the dining room and her father asked if I would do grace I said †˜ may the lord make us thankful for the food we were going to eat, and thanks for the baby animals, trees, babiesââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ my girlfriend said †˜I know you were religiousââ‚ ¬â„¢ I replied †˜I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know your dad was a chemist.

This old girl goes into the Butchers and asks for 6 rump steaks, the butcher asks †˜What the special occasion?ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The butcher said †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re about 65ââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the old girl says †˜Iââ ‚¬â„Ã⠀šÃ‚¢m 80 years oldââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the Butcher says †˜Happy Birthday have the steaks on me.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ She goes next door to the Baker and asks for Vol-u-vont, fairy cakes, the Baker asks †˜What the special occasion.ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The Baker said †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re about 66ââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the old girl says †˜Iââ ‚¬â„Ã⠀šÃ‚¢m 80 years oldââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ the Baker says †˜Happy Birthday have the goods on me.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ She leave the Bakers weighed down with bags and goes to the bus stop and a 70 year old bloke asks †˜ youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ve been busy, what the occasion?ââ‚ ¬â„¢ She said †˜Itâà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã…¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€žÃ ‚¢s my birthday can you guess how old I am.ââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ The bloke says I canââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t I have my own special why to tell how old a woman isââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢. †˜Go on then.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ Said the old girl, so he puts his hand inside here blouse and into her bra, 45-minutes late he says †˜I reckon youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re 80 years old.ââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ †˜the old girls says how did you work that out?. To which the bloke replies †˜ I was standing behind you at the Butchersââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢.

[Ramrod]

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[punky]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

Two parrots sat on a perch. One said to the other, "Do you smell fish?"

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

[Ramrod]

If Men Got Pregnant

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute.

Fathers would demand that their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm.

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.

They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him."

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.

Women would rule the world!
__________________

Originally Posted by punky

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

You like that one then?