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Old 18-05-2005, 20:27   #76
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

good one, but afraid that's already been posted here
http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/sh...&postcount=170
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Old 23-05-2005, 14:25   #77
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should beseverance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
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Old 26-05-2005, 14:09   #78
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
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Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.
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Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn't need cleaning.




(I just know I'm going to suffer for these jokes! )
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Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A. "Is it in?"
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Old 28-05-2005, 15:12   #79
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How to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Arrive naked.
Bring food & Beer.
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10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN
(and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You are one Jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend.
(Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)

5. I don't date men where I work.
(Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)
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Old 28-05-2005, 19:26   #80
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A road construction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired and are each assigned a section of the road.
The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1mile.
On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5 miles.
On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5 miles.
The manager decides to talk to the blonde to see what happened....
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
The blonde replied ''I'd be painting more, but the bucket's getting farther and farther away!'''
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Old 29-05-2005, 00:05   #81
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

You're a dead man Paul
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A dyslexic man walks into a rab........................
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.....................
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20 lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word 'pants'


1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.

2. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.

3. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.

4. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.

5. I find your lack of pants disturbing.

6. These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

7. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!

8. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.

9. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.

10. I used to bulls-eye Womp-rats in my pants back home.

11. Governor Tarkin. I should have recognised your foul pants when I was brought on board

12. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark!

13. That blast came from those pants! That thing's operational!

14. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.

15. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.

16. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.

17. Yeah, well short pants are better then no pants at all, Chewie.

18. Attention. This is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken control of my pants. I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.

19. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.

20. You came in those pants? You're braver then I thought.




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25 Proverbs to a Healthier Life

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said:

"Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful
and happy doing do."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautÃÃ*’©ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f_cking think so!"
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Old 30-05-2005, 21:17   #82
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Sven Goran Ericsson, David Beckham and Millionaire

The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericsson is appearing on "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"

He has reached the million pound question and Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this one is for a million pounds, and remember you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question : What type of animal lives in a Sett?"
Is it,
A) a badger
B) a ferret
C) a mole OR
D) a cuckoo?

Remember that he's from Sweden and some unusual English words may not be known to him. Sven ponders for a while, and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not sure. I'll have to go 50:50. "Right, Sven, we'll take away two wrong answers and you are left with BADGER and CUCKOO.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure. I'll phone a friend" "Who are you going to call, Sven?", asks Chris.

"Hmmmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham", says Sven.

So Chris telephones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire?'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here and with your help he could win a million pounds. The next voice you ill
hear will be Sven's".

"Hello, David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss", says David without any hesitation.

"Are you sure, son?" asks Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger."

"Is that your final answer, Sven?" asks Chris.

"Yes!" says Sven.

"That's the correct answer, you've won the million pounds!!"

Wild celebrations ensue in the studio .....

Next morning at football training, Sven calls David across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

"Oh ..., I didn't, boss." replies David, "but everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
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Old 04-06-2005, 21:26   #83
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Topical joke, for me anyway.



A couple decide to use the code word "washing machine" when they want sex.

At bedtime he says "washing machine", she replies, "not tonight, I'm tired". 10 minutes later she feels guilty so turns over to him and says "washing machine", he replies, "too late, it was only a small load so I did it by hand".
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Old 06-06-2005, 14:56   #84
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Drug dealers

V

Software developers

Refer to their clients as "users".


Refer to their clients as "users".
-
"The first one's free!"


"Download a free trial version..."
-
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).


Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
-
Strange jargon:
"Stick", "Rock", "Dime bag," "E".


Strange jargon:
"SCSI", "ISDN", "Java", "RTFM"
-
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.


Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
-
Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.


Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
-
Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.


Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing).
-
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.


DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.
-
Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.


Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!




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Old 08-06-2005, 19:37   #85
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
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Single women complain that all good men are married, while allmarried women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there isno such thing as a good man.
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What's a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
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Old 08-06-2005, 19:38   #86
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Men have only two faults:

Everything they say.....

Everything they do.....
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There are 10 types of people in this world:

Those that understand binary.....

Those that don't.....
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There are 3 types of people in this world:

Those that can count.....

Those that can't.....
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Old 09-06-2005, 21:09   #87
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Long, naff joke alert
Quote:
Sleeping Beauty received the gift of a brand new digital camera from the dwarves. Overjoyed, she spent many happy days taking pictures of the woodland animals and her friends. Eventually, she decided she wanted to have some of her best work professionally printed.

So, she made the long trek to the Big City where they had a photo lab for just such things. She left her files with the Nice Man there who told her to return in a week.

After a week of anticipation, Sleeping Beauty went back, anxious to how her work turned out. "I have bad news," said the Nice Man, it's going to take another week."

Disappointed, she went home and waited another week. When she went the next weekend, she was truly sad to learn that her pictures still hadn't arrived. The Nice Man said, "I don't know what the delay is, but I'm certain they'll be here next weekend."

Feeling very sad indeed, Sleeping Beauty waited another week. However, when she returned the following weekend, only to see the Nice Man looking at her with remorse in his eyes, her frustration and sadness was so overwhealming that she fell to the floor and burst into tears.

The nice man rushed over to comfort her. "There there, Sleeping Beauty... stop crying," he soothed.................................
"I know someday, your prints will come."
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Old 09-06-2005, 23:40   #88
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A Classic........

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.
CORBETT (muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Four Candles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Four Candles.
(Ronnie Corbett makes for a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, four candles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Saw tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'O's! I thought you said 'O! (he takes the hose back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty 'o's, panty 'o's! (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him)
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawd' sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the bleedin' shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, ain't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): 'And pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pump, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not!
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, dishwashers, floor washers, car washers, windscreen washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)
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Old 10-06-2005, 00:24   #89
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Men Beware! This is very frightening!!!! Men, be more alert and cautious
when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is in
liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at
parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking
news is that the drug is available virtually anywhere! It goes by the
street name "Beer". All girls have to do is buy a "Beer" or two for almost
any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men
are rendered literally helpless against such tactics. Please! Forward this
to everyone you know...There are just too many innocent men out there to
leave unaware of the great vulnerability they may have to this insidious
liquid.
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Old 10-06-2005, 21:21   #90
yesman
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Location: Cambridge
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

The patient refused autopsy.

The patient has no previous history of suicides.

Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient's medical history has been remarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Skin: somewhat pale but present.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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