Jokes Thread

[Angua]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[cimt]

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed one night whilst the neighbour's dog barks through the night in the garden next door.

Paddy says, "I've had enough of this!" as he storms out of the house at 1am in the morning.

5 minutes later he comes back upstairs looking rather pleased with himself. "What have you done?", his wife asks.

"Put the dog in our garden... see how they like it"

----

I don't know why, but I found that funny.

[Angua]

A Wyoming cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man elect one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog. "

[altis]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she
had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving
around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess
how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the
gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no
discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd
was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K.,
I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde
carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by
far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the
shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If
I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[xpod]

1
One day three Indian VM call center operatives were on a plane over to the UK to take part in further training courses.

Whilst at 33,00 feet the plane developed serious engine troubles and suddenly began plummeting towards earth.Upon watching the pilot & co pilot bale out with the only two paracutes the 3 reps prceeded to scream in terror at each other until one suddenly comes up with the bright idea of pleading with Allah to save them all.

So,the first rep jumped out of the plane and shouted "Allah please save me"
and a big black hand swooped him up and put him gently down to earth

The second rep jumped out and shouted "Allah please save me" and sure enough a big black hand swooped him up and put him gently down to earth.

The third rep jumped out the plane and shouted "Allah please save me".....?????......10,000 feet,5000 feet....."Allaaaah pleeeease save me"????

1000 feet and again he screams"Allaaaaaah pleeeeeease save me" and with just inches to spare the big black hand and swooped him up and put him gently down to earth.

"Oh thank god for that" he says ....nd a big black foot stood on him

2
My wife says i`m rubbish at sex....so i says to her "i never hear your moaning"
She says "THATS the bloody problem"

Only problems with the first joke is:-
- Most Indians are Hindu, so do not worship Allah.
- Most Indians are brown, not black (re big black hand and foot).

[cimt]

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

[jellybaby]

NELSON MANDELA


Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.


When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching
a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says:














(It's a beauty)


















(Wait for it)
















(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

























"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

[Graham M]

Groan lol

YOUNGEST SON ASKED HIS FATHER: "Daddy what is the difference between "potential" and "reality"?
Dad:"I will show you", Dad turned to his wife and
ask her: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 Million Dollars?"
Wife answers: "Yes of Course! I would never waste such an opportunity to be a millionaire"
Then Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Will Smith for 2 Million dollars?
Daughter: "Wow! Yes Yes! I will that's my fantasy"
So Dad turned to his elder son and asks him:"Son, will you sleep with Denzel Washington for 1 Million dollars?"
Elder Son replied: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what Icould do with 1 Million dollars, I would never hesitate!"
So the Father turns to his younger son and says: "You see son, POTENTIALLY we are sitting on 4 Million dollars, But in REALITY we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay!"

[Derek]

Police have revealed the one of the men arrested at Glasgow airport on Saturday was a Poetry student at Paisley University.

He's currently in the serious burns unit...

Originally Posted by Derek S

Police have revealed the one of the men arrested at Glasgow airport on Saturday was a Poetry student at Paisley University.

He's currently in the serious burns unit...

And on that note, this joke is doing the rounds in Glasgow; it's about John Smeaton, one of the baggage handlers who wellied the flaming terrorist (in so many ways) -

Glasgow Baggage Handler John Smeaton:

Once a cobra bit John Smeaton's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

John Smeaton uses his abs to smooth diamonds

John Smeaton does not dodge bullets. Bullets dodge John Smeaton

Everynight before the bogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for John Smeaton.

John Smeaton doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants

It was once believed that John actually lost a fight to a terrorist, but that is a lie, created by John himself to lure more terrorists to him

Smeaton went tae the same school as Charles Bronson and stole his dinner money everyday.

John Smeaton isn't afraid of the dark...the dark is afraid of John Smeaton.

John Smeaton once killed a lion with his bare hands.

John Smeaton can make a woman climax just by looking at her and shouting ALLAH!

Anthropologists are studying John Smeaton to try to find the origins of the lack of "flight" in his "fight or flight" response

Smeaton used to racially abuse Bruce Lee to his face, and forced him to cook him Chicken choi mein every night free of charge.

Alex Salmond has abandoned any future plans for wind farms in Scotland.He is just going to use Johnny's arms to power the whole of Scotland and sell the surplus energy to the East Coast of America.

There was a Comet headin straight for Earth one year ago, it was too big for Nasa to destroy wi Nuclear bombs.. so they phoned Smeaton to jump up on springs and punch eff oot it.

John once challenged Chuck Norris to a square go. Mr Norris kindly refused the advance.

John Smeaton can strangle you with a cordless phone.

John Smeaton won a game of connect 4 in 2 moves.

John Smeaton can delete the recycle bin

If you wake up tomorrow, it'll be because John Smeaton allowed you to

Smeaton once held down eight Tigers and gang raped them.

John Smeaton dosent sleep, he waits.

When John Smeaton does push ups, he's actually pushing the ground down.

The Argies surrendered Port Stanley when the heard that John Smeaton had been born.

John Smeaton is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a effing Jeep.

John Smeaton drowned a fish.

Death once had a near-John Smeaton experience.

John Smeaton died 5 years ago, Death never had the balls to tell him

John Smeaton once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands

[xpod]

Only problems with the first joke is:-
- Most Indians are Hindu, so do not worship Allah.
- Most Indians are brown, not black (re big black hand and foot).

How very observant of you.

I wondered how long it would take someone

[1701-e]

Originally Posted by Derek S

Police have revealed the one of the men arrested at Glasgow airport on Saturday was a Poetry student at Paisley University.

He's currently in the serious burns unit...

... and his name is Singed Inajeep!


........

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by xpod

How very observant of you.

I wondered how long it would take someone

...to realise that Allah is actually black.