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Old 28-04-2005, 00:19   #61
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Why I Fired My Secretary
Author: Digital Dave
Date: 26-Apr-2005
Modifed: 26-Apr-2005

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably would have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember.

The kids came to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Well, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's stop by my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there . . on the couch . . . naked......
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Old 28-04-2005, 01:06   #62
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the
deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."


"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?
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Old 28-04-2005, 01:08   #63
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)



Nice one.....
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In fact, I could use that at work (with a little tweaking of course )..
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Old 28-04-2005, 10:36   #64
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old mans' surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "Whatcha gonna do with that?"

Boy say's back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says, "Wait up...I'll get my hat!"
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Old 28-04-2005, 11:35   #65
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy!"


Doc - "What?"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."


Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really"


Doc - "What about stress at work?"


Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."


Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salaryand I feel really appreciated"

Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"


Man - "Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got."

Doc - "That sounds stressful"

Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."


Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"

Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."


Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"


Man - "Watch porn and eat Wotsits."
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Old 29-04-2005, 15:32   #66
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

On his way home from work a bloke comes to a halt in traffic and thinks to himself, 'wow, this traffic seems worse than usual, nothing's moving'.
He notices a policeman walking back and forth between the lines of cars, and so he winds down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan. He's really depressed about losing the Premiership to ****nal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning f**k all after gobbing-off all season, and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.
He says his family hate him, his mates are all laughing at him and he's never had a job, so I'm walking around taking a collection." "Oh really?" says the bloke. "How much have you collected so far?"
"Only about half a litre," replies the copper, "but a lot of people are still siphoning."
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Old 29-04-2005, 15:40   #67
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nidge
Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy!" <SNIP>
Fantastic!!

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Old 03-05-2005, 22:52   #68
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."
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Old 05-05-2005, 14:35   #69
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Classified Ads
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog.
free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
free puppies...part german shepherd part stupid dog
German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
Free. found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... Been out awhile.. Better be reward.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer
amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.
2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.
83 toyota hunchback -- $2000
soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents
full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
for sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50
nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby
bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products"
shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks
hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
harrisburg postal employees gun club
georgia peaches california grown 89 cents lb.
nice parachute: never opened - used once slightly stained
free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
american flag 60 stars - pole included $100
tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour.
exercise equipment: queen size mattress and box springs $175.
our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% italian leather.
joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
gas cloud clears out taco bell.
open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts
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Old 06-05-2005, 22:49   #70
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A couple from essex decided to go to Torremolinos to thaw out
during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the
very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate
their travel schedules. So, the husband left Luton and flew
to Alicante on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his
room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without realising his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Manchester, a widow had just returned Home
from her husband's funeral. He was a vicar of many years who
was called to his maker following a sudden heart attack. The
widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages of
condolence from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 January 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send e-
mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward
to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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Old 07-05-2005, 13:42   #71
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Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man hired a chinese detective
a few days later he received this report

Most honorable sir
you leave the house
he come to house
i watch
he and she leave the house
i follow
he and she get on train
i follow
he and she go in hotel
i climb tree
look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip she
she strip he
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out of tree
no see
no fee
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Old 07-05-2005, 13:46   #72
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Re: Chinese Detective

Quote:
Originally Posted by molly
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man hired a chinese detective
a few days later he received this report

Most honorable sir
you leave the house
he come to house
i watch
he and she leave the house
i follow
he and she get on train
i follow
he and she go in hotel
i climb tree
look in window
he kiss she
she kiss he
he strip she
she strip he
he play with she
she play with he
i play with me
i fall out of tree
no see
no fee
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Old 13-05-2005, 18:10   #73
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Not my joke honest!
Quote:
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."
Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving **** out of the guy and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
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Old 13-05-2005, 23:39   #74
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bulls$$t and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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Old 18-05-2005, 20:19   #75
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Re: The Joke Thread (Part 2)

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular click for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response .....

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB!
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