Jokes Thread

[Xaccers]

Originally Posted by Salu

The best blonde joke ever.

http://images.chatshow.net/celebs/an...ombe_large.jpg

You leave Emporer Palpatine out of this

[Hom3r]

If you watch countdown NOW AW is on there and she is wearing the exact same outfit.

SPOOKY

[Derek]

The best blonde joke ever

[handyman]

Originally Posted by dezzo

The best blonde joke ever

Or worst link ever.

[Hom3r]

The best joke ever

PETE BURNS

I'ld get a refund if I was him (shudder)

[Ramrod]

If god didn't want people to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?
Oxnard,CA-July 07,2004-Research scientists at Oxnard UNC Medical Center have proven that plants, including vegetables, feel pain when subjected to trauma such as being yanked out of the ground, peeled, cooked, and eaten. "Veggies and plants initiate a massive hormone and chemical barrage internally when they suffer any kind of injury," says professor Harry Simeon. "This response is akin to the nerve response and endorphin release when an animal is injured. We cannot ignore the similarities." When Baker asked professor Simeon and his research team what they thought this finding might mean, they responded unanimously, "Nobel prize, baby!"

Other agencies and the sum total of the world's hard-core vegetarians (known as vegans) registered formal complaints against the research. Their team of lawyers has already submitted a motion to have the results of the research destroyed or sealed. Others fear the damage has already been done. A spokesman said, "This is bad for us. Most of our members haven't eaten anything since hearing about the results. Our lawyers are looking into suing Mother Earth for false advertising, but concede that the suit will probably be inconclusive. In the meantime we'll be surviving on vitamin supplements and water."



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There are many correct ways to answer a test question

R.L. Loeffelbein A physics teacher at Washington University in St. Louis was about to give a student a zero for the student's answer to an examination problem. The student claimed he should receive a perfect score, if the system were not so set up against the student. Instructor and student agreed to submit to an impartial arbiter, Dr. Alexander Calandra, who tells the story.

The examination problem was: "Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."

The student's answer was, "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, and lower the barometer to the ground. Then, bring it back up, measuring the length of the rope and barometer. The lengths of the two together is the height of the building."

I, as arbiter, pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had answered the problem completely and correctly. On the other hand, of course, full credit would contribute to a high grade for the student in his physics course, and a high grade is supposed to certify that the student knows some physics, a fact that his answer had not confirmed. So it was suggested that the student have another try at answering the problem.

He was given six minutes to answer it, with the warning this time that the answer should indicate some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. Asked if he wished to give up, he said no, that he had several answers and he was just trying to think which would be the best. In the next minute he dashed off this answer. "Take the barometer to the top of the building. Lean over the edge of the roof, drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula S=½at2, calculate the height of the building. At this point, I asked my colleague if he gave up and he conceded. The student got nearly full credit.

Recalling that the student had said he had other answers, I asked him what they were. "Well," he said, "you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and length of the building's shadow, then use simple proportion to determine the height of the building. And there is a very basic measurement method you might like. You take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb, you mark off lengths of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks to get the height of the building in barometer units.

"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of 'g.' The height of the building can, in principle, be calculated from this.

"And," he concluded, "if you don't limit me to physics solutions, you can take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When he answers, you say, 'Mr. Superintendent, I have here a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of this building, I will give you this barometer.'"

Finally, he admitted that he even knew the correct textbook answer -- measuring the air pressure at the bottom and top of the building and applying the appropriate formula illustrating that pressure reduces as height increases -- but that he was so fed up with college instructors trying to teach him how to think instead of showing the structure of the subject matter, that he had decided to rebel.

For my part, I seriously considered changing my grade to unequivocal full credit.

[Ramrod]

Three expectant fathers, an American, a Jamaican, and a Canadian, were in the hospital waiting room. A doctor comes in and announces that he has some good news and some bad news, "The good news is that you each are the father of a healthy baby boy. The bad news is that we've mixed them up." The three new fathers walk into the nursery. The American guy goes right to the Jamaican baby, picks him up and starts rocking him. "What are you doing?" the Jamaican guy asks, "That is obviously my son."

"I know," said the American guy, "but I didn't want to accidentally get the Canadian kid."

[Saaf_laandon_mo]

Whats ET short for?
.
.
.
.
.
Cause he's got little legs

It made me laugh when I heard it on Saturday

[Ramrod]

It's too long to post here in it's entirety so, ladies and gentlemen, I give you:
The six circles of hangover hell ....see which one you have reached

[Chimaera]

One for Russ!

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a train ticket and took a trip to Plymouth, thinking that he would start by working his way across England from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "GBP10,000 per call". The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for GBP10,000 you could talk to God.
The Englishman thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Worcester. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Plymouth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for GBP10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Englishman.
He then travelled to Salisbury, Leeds, Carlisle and Newcastle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "GBP10,000 per call" sign under it. The Englishman, upon leaving Newcastle decided to travel to Wales to see if the Welsh had the same telephone.
He arrived in Cardiff, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40p per call."
The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've travelled all over England and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in England the price was GBP10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Wales now, son - it's a local call".

[Gareth]

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet to be neutered. "Is it a tom?" asks the vet. "Nay lad, it's in't box" he replies.

A Glaswegian goes into a cake shop and says to the assistant “Excuse me, is that a macaroon or a meringue?” “No” she says “you’re right, it is a macaroon”

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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!"

[MovedGoalPosts]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.

If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Stuart]

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the Horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watches her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.


Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!


Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

[Hom3r]

Whats yellow and sponges?























A yellow sponge.

[PeopleSoftGuy]

Financial Peril
---------------
The following question appeared in the 2005 Industrial Economics examination paper at the London School of Economics:

Question 14a
The population of these unfortunate creatures is decimated around Thanksgiving every year. What are they?

The markers were advised to award full marks if the student mentioned turkeys or Hutchison 3G employees in their answer.

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Frugalis Extremis
-----------------
Two engineers from 3UK needed to attend a 3G conference but the company was broke and could only afford one air ticket.
The engineer boarded the aircraft and, with help from a stewardess, managed to get his large, lumpy suitcase into the overhead locker. "Do you always travel with such heavy luggage?" the stewardess enquired.
"This is the last time," he grumbled. "On the return journey my colleague will carry the suitcase."

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More Retrenchments
------------------
A 3G telco was going downhill and they were forced to act. The CTO received his orders and dutifully carried them out. Then a week later he was told the CEO wanted to see him.
"Please explain," demanded the CEO. "There are as many people in the office today as when I told you to reduce your staff."
"Reduce my staff? When you said we all needed crew cuts I thought . . ."

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IPO Briefing
------------
3 held an information session in the City to spruik enthusiasm amongst institutional investors for the proposed 3UK share float. They hired an auditorium in the same function centre where a wizards' convention was being held and, due to an unfortunate mix-up, a magic microphone was installed in the wrong auditorium. The microphone was unusual in that if anyone spoke a lie into it, that person would disappear.
The Master of Ceremonies greeted the audience. He thanked everyone for attending and introduced the first speaker, the CTO.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Technical Officer. It's no secret that we've had some serious problems with our network and IT systems. But I think we are finally getting on top of them." POOF! He disappeared.
The audience was shocked but the MC was an old pro, he remained calm and professional and introduced the second speaker.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Financial Officer. It's no secret that our business model was deeply flawed and we've been losing an awful lot of money. But I think we've turned the corner and we'll be a viable business soon." POOF! He disappeared.
The audience gasped with alarm but the MC didn't falter. He immediately introduced the final speaker.
"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, I'm 3UK's Chief Executive Officer. I think . . ." POOF! He disappeared.

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Winnie the Psychic
------------------
I am blessed with the gift of seeing the future. My mother was a psychic, as was her mother, and now my reputation is spreading beyond Nigeria. I'm also good at cooking and anagrams.

Although England is far, far away I sense great anguish over the coming 3UK share float. Will it be successful or will the share price plunge to gloomy depths?

Many minds troubling over this question would be at peace if the answer was already known, so I decided to apply my great powers to the problem. First, I wrote the following words on parchment:
"3UK share float"

Then I tore it up, recited a secret incantation and threw the pieces into the air. The pieces fell to the ground and formed a new message. The message was:
"Fate hurls 3 a KO"

This is the answer you've been seeking.

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Hullo Hullo Hullo
-----------------
3UK's CFO was in the CEO's office discussing the corporate accounts.
The Chief Financial Officer says "Yes, it looks very bad. What do you think we should do?"

The CEO says "I think we should commit suicide".

His secretary sitting outside the office overhears this remark and calls the police. The police arrive promptly and burst into the office. They find one executive drinking battery acid, and the other eating fireworks.

The police charged one and let the other one off.

---------- Post added at 00:38 ---------- Previous post was at 00:37 ----------

Workaholic
----------
3's CEO is in his office practicing his golf putting. He opens his cupboard to get out his new putter and notices an antique oil lamp beneath his golf bag and tennis racquets. After retrieving the lamp he gives it a polish and a genie appears who, as usual, grants him three wishes.

"I wish to be on a tropical island by the seaside," says the CEO. Poof! He finds himself on a beach in the Bahamas.

"Oooh, it's nice and hot here," he says. "I wish I had an ice cold drink." Poof!
He finds a pina colada in his hand.

He says, "For my third wish, I wish I never have to work again." Poof! He finds himself back in the UK in his office.

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Nostradamus
------------

Oh my God. Nostradamus has foretold the end of 3UK at the hands of Richard Branson ...

C3Q22
Six days the attack made before the city:
Battle will be given strong and harsh:
Three will surrender it, and to them pardon:
The rest to fire and to bloody slicing and cutting.

C8Q77
The antichrist very soon annihilates the three,
twenty-seven years his war will last.
The unbelievers are dead, captive, exiled;
with blood, human bodies, water and red hail covering the earth.

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The Leprechaun
--------------
"Sold!" said Canning Fok into the telephone.

The next morning the CEO arrives at work and finds a small elf-like creature standing in his office. Before it has a chance to run away the CEO grabs it by the arm. The CEO thinks to himself "I thought leprechauns only existed in jokes. But I know the routine - I only get one wish so I'd better not waste it".

The CEO muses, "This could be my big break. I might finally be able to improve things around here. But where do I start? The mobile phone network isn't working properly, the billing and I.T. systems are a mess, the business plan is failing, the customers are deserting, losses are mounting and the employees are making up jokes about me. A cruel dilemma: so many things to wish for, but only one wish. There must be a way to fix everything..."

Suddenly the CEO exclaims, "I have it!" He turns to the little creature and says, "I wish I was no longer CEO of a dysfunctional company!"

"Your wish is granted," said the new owner of 3, Richard Branson.