Jokes Thread

[Jimi]

Originally Posted by weenie

Showing your age old one better watch out or I'll start calling you Old Jimi

Why I've never been so insulted in all my life !!!
Well not since yesterday when my wife insulted me.

[weenie]

[QUOTE=heero_yuy;35676306]Ah well if you're going to joke about us blokes then choke on your conflakes:

Dogs are better than women because: The later you get home the more\
pleased a dog is to see you.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs appreciate your singing.
Dogs are better than women because: Dogs think breaking wind is funny
Dogs are tetter than women because: Dogs aren't catty.


Dogs are better than women because: Dogs understand that all animals\
smaller than a dog were made to be hunted.



The reasons woman prefer dogs to men...

Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a dog and it will even get your newspaper.
Dogs are easy to buy for.
You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Dogs understand what 'no' means.
Dogs don't need therapy to deal with their problems.
Dogs are happy with whatever you feed them. This is a big bonus for me...LOL
Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Dogs don't borrow your credit cards or mobile phone.
Dogs don't play video games.
Dogs don't drink beer or watch football.

[Gary L]

The only problem with dogs is. they can't cook your dinner or wash your clothes.

and their claws really hurt when they dig them in your back.

[Jimi]

Put a dog in the boot of a car for 20 minutes,open it,then the dog will jump out and kiss you,try doing the same thing with a woman and she'll scream and bawl and probably kick you where it hurts most.

[weenie]

Originally Posted by Jimi

Put a dog in the boot of a car for 20 minutes,open it,then the dog will jump out and kiss you,try doing the same thing with a woman and she'll scream and bawl and probably kick you where it hurts most.

You talking fae experience Jimi ... LOL

[Jimi]

Yes,and my squeaky voice is proof of it.

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by heero_yuy

Seems we like dogs.

I love dogs

[weenie]

What is the definition of a good farmer?

A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!

---------- Post added at 21:24 ---------- Previous post was at 19:43 ----------

I walked in to a fish and chip shop today.

"I've got no fish already cooked and I'm out of cod, rock, plaice, haddock and scampi", said the bloke behind the counter.

"Better get your skates on then", I replied.

[Cobbydaler]

The Dalai Lama walks everywhere barefoot which has left him with enlarged areas of hardened skin.

In addition his meagre diet means he is quite frail and suffers very bad breath.

Spoiler: 

You could say he is a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[weenie]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He replied, "Call for backup."

[Derek]

Nicola Sturgeon was on her campaign trail and touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola says to the chauffeur ‘You get out and check – you were driving!'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and tells her that the animal was dead.

‘You were driving; so you had better go and tell the farmer,’ says Nicola

Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

‘My goodness what happened to you?’ Asks Nicola

The chauffeur replies: ‘When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me.’

‘What on earth did you say?’ asks Nicola

Not much really….. I knocked on the door, and when it was answered I said……..’I’m Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow!'

[Ramrod]

2 Jews are reading the morning newspaper, when 1 realises that the other one is reading The Guardian.

Shocked, he says 'Shlomo, how can you read this terrible Jew-hating rag? Have you no standards?'

So Shlomo answers 'What standards? Why should I read newspapers that highlight the never-ending 2 thousand-year old Jewish plight, and fight for acceptance, it's bloody depressing. Reading the Guardian is phenomenal! We Jews control the world, we're all rich and powerful, we're in charge of everything and everyone, and we control pretty much every country on earth, even though we only make up 0.03% of the world population! Why would I NOT read such fantastic news?'






(taken from the Spectator comments section)

[heero_yuy]

I'm obliged to Kelvin McKenzie's column in the Sun today for this amusing snippet:

The professional medical body overseeing breast enlargements is called the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons; ( BAAPS )

[Cobbydaler]

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe...


Here's a photo of last night's R.E.M. concert.

That's me in the corner...

[heero_yuy]

A pun by comedian Darren Walsh has scooped the prize for funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

The 39-year-old, whose show Punderbolt is on at the Pleasance, took first place in the vote by TV channel Dave.

The winning joke was: "I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free."

Walsh, from Peterborough, who won the first UK Pun Championship last year, said he was delighted. "What a punderful feeling," he said.

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