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Old 23-11-2005, 23:48   #346
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body"
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"
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Old 23-11-2005, 23:53   #347
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by iadom
First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body"
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"
That one was done here
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Old 23-11-2005, 23:57   #348
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Angua
That one was done here
On Friday the 13th, no wonder I missed it.
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Old 24-11-2005, 12:25   #349
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

That really did happen (to my anatomy lecturer-when she was at medical school) but it was a bowl of urine that the fingers were dipped into. The students were asked for their observations.......they gave various descriptions regarding taste, temperature, colour
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Old 28-11-2005, 21:01   #350
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

The guitarist Jimi Hendrix is a legend, what a lot of people didn't know about him was that he was actually dyslexic.
When Hendrix died in 1970, it was reported by the North American dyslexic society that Hendrix choked on his own vimto.
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Old 28-11-2005, 21:08   #351
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by iadom
.....Mummy Mummy, Do they put up Christmas decorations in Vietnam?
Not usually. But I hear they might be hanging glitter this year!
They dont hang them, its death by firing squad. So at least he'll get another Hit!
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Old 28-11-2005, 21:42   #352
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 quid and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

"Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


* * * * * *

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road.

He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand.

Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised: "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity.

* * * * * *

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you"?

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he
heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. Jesus is watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus!"
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Old 30-11-2005, 18:01   #353
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)



The Princess

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem.
Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his
daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the
king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
And the prince went away sadly. :-[

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds were the hardest substance in the world and
would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed. :-[

The third prince approached.
He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what
is in there"
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not
melt!!!
:-}

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the third prince married the princess and they both lived
happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)
>>>
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M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??






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Old 02-12-2005, 00:23   #354
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Chav Nativity........

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)
She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?
He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.
One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no
Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go
dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop,
yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep
an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're
wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an'
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about
to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another
message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.
You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you
think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So
they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's
safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water
into Stella.



---------- Post added at 23:23 ---------- Previous post was at 23:08 ----------

A Scouser walks into the local job centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE being on benefit, I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is £200,00 0 a
year. Interested"?
The Scouser says, "You're bullshi!!in' me!"
Social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
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Old 04-12-2005, 20:35   #355
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

<removed as inappropiate>
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Old 05-12-2005, 22:40   #356
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it's like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went looking for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when I lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"AND..." pried the doctor.

"Well, that's was when I made my mistake...I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to the misses..."This one here looks like yours!"
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Old 06-12-2005, 23:45   #357
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wicked_and_Crazy
<removed as inappropiate>
im shocked at your interpretation
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Old 09-12-2005, 09:12   #358
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

A Message to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
Independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does
not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.? Then look
up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will
be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.? You will relearn your
original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to
own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect.

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling
gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys.
Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four
Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed
with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to

American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


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Old 10-12-2005, 21:41   #359
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Little Joe, from inner Birmingham, was on a trip to the country to see his uncle John who lived on a farm.

Little Joe was watching some animals in a field and asked uncle John "Why do some cows have horns and some cows have no horns?"

"Well" said uncle John "Some cattle are bred not to have horns, some are born with horns and some have their horns cut off when they are young".

"What about that one?" asked little Joe.

"The reason that one does not have horns" replied the farmer "is because it is a horse".
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Old 10-12-2005, 22:03   #360
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?











To goto the second-hand shop.
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