Jokes Thread

[1701-e]

I don't think Kim Jong-Un is the problem. I'm worried about his military advisors Kil Yan Kee, Noo Kem, Chu Tem and Wi Kan Win.

[willie]

Who's Egg Is This?
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
"In my family," the Scotsman said, "we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groinj and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could in the groin. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the goddamn egg."

[1701-e]

Coming soon to itv2..

Coronation Street: SVU

Marriage is like a game of cards.

You start off with two hearts and a diamond, and end up wanting a club and a spade....

[willie]

Magician

An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ''You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land a a huge glass of that drink.

The Irishman went down yelling, ''Guinness!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of Guinness.

The Scotsman went down the slide yelling,''Whisky!!!'' Plop! He landed in a glass of Whiskey.

The Englisman went down the slide yelling ''wheeeeeeeee!!!'''

[1701-e]

James Gandolfini dies, aged 51.... they made it look like a heart attack.

[willie]

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver' licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks so I wondered if Chinese mothers use toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
postmen can look for them while they deliver the post?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend two pound a piece on those
little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that 1
enjoys it?


23. Why if you send something by road it is called a shipment, but when
you send it by sea it is called cargo?

24. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?

[alanbjames]

News: A man is recovering in Hospital after having 2 pint glasses,3 plates,and a Fruit bowl over his head.

His condition is being described as Table.

[Cobbydaler]

"Protest as Orange parade banned in Belfast"

Scouse hen party tries Blackpool instead...

[Cobbydaler]

My fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation...

Spoiler: 

We now sell smoothies.

[1701-e]

Operation yewtree extended to Ireland.

Straightaway they made three arrests..

[1701-e]

Watched "Captain Phillips" today, ironically it was a pirate copy.

[Kymmy]

Shamelessly grabbed from another forum but it did make me laugh....

With the number of airline disasters lately, the Civil Aviation Authority now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.

The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay.
Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."

Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap.
"Hey! Whats the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure test for you on takeoff.

[Jimi]

.A lady was driving down a country road, doing the speed limit, and was enjoying the drive, suddenly, a hare jumps out in front of the car, she has no time to react, and hits the hare killing it instantly. Absolutely horrified that she just killed a hare,she pulls over, and cries in her car. About 5 minutes later, a priest happens to drive by, notices her, and stops. He comes to her window, and asks "My dear child, why are you crying?" The lady responds through her sobs: "I hit a hare.". The priest says not a word, and proceeds back to his car, opens the back, grabs a spray can, and walks over to the hare.
The lady, now out of her car, is watching the priest spray the hare with the can. Some time passes and the hare springs back to life, dusts itself off, and runs for about 50 feet, stops, and waves. The priest repeats this until they can no longer see the hare. The lady, now awestruck, asks the priest in a shaky voice: "What did you do? What is in that can?" The priest hands her the can, and the lady reads aloud: "... Super Hair, will bring any hair back to life and adds permanent wave.".


---------- Post added at 13:35 ---------- Previous post was at 13:32 ----------

[/COLOR]There once was a woman who got breast implants made of wood.
It would be great if this joke had a punchline...........wooden tit.

---------- Post added at 13:37 ---------- Previous post was at 13:35 ----------

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?
Feyonce.[COLOR="Silver"]

---------- Post added at 13:48 ---------- Previous post was at 13:37 ----------

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a ****'.

---------- Post added at 13:53 ---------- Previous post was at 13:48 ----------

At a rent-a-boat company, the caller said into the microphone: boat 99, your hour is up, please head in.

An employee walks up to him and says: We only have 75 boats, there is no boat 99 sir.

The caller then said into the microphone: Boat 66, are you in trouble?