Jokes Thread

[Silent Wings]

Irish Petrol Pump Attendant on a golf tour in Ireland,

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

Old but still makes me laugh

[lostandconfused]

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Alien]

Apple Product Announcement

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $499 with 4 GB of memory or $599 with 8 GB.

This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[Xaccers]

On getting older...


1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two
years older than me. “So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She
responded,” Hardly worth going home, is it?

2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: “And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.” Wal-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week "

7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as
sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief."

11.) Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

12.) --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I
never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

[Halcyon]

Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were female, one was a male. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the male gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. The females applauded.

[Woolly One]

Not sure if this one has been posted or not
A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there
is something wrong with you.
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted
to get into regular workout routine.


Dear Diary . .
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife
(the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for
me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football
team 25 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda,
who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress . .


Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to
find Belinda waiting for me.
She is something of a Greek goddess -
with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour
and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
Lycra aerobic outfit.
I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today.
Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding
it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!!
It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth
over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop.
I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would
help me get in shape and
enjoy life.
She said some other **** too.

Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking,
I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me,
then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine
--which I sank.

Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or
anything that weighs more than a
sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV
remote
and ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
-- like a root canal or a vasectomy

[Gareth]

A Married Couple's Pledge:

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary. Mary."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the Golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night.

The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Norfolk."

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

---------- Post added at 22:07 ---------- Previous post was at 21:57 ----------

Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the toilet though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the doctor said, "His thingy is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his thingy will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

"Mum!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

"I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."

Directions

Follow these steps [in order of course]

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Click on maps

3. Click on get directions

4. Go from "New York" to "Paris, France"

5. Scroll down in the directions to number 24

[MovedGoalPosts]

Originally Posted by yesman

Directions

Follow these steps [in order of course]

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Click on maps

3. Click on get directions

4. Go from "New York" to "Paris, France"

5. Scroll down in the directions to number 24

hmm, that might take a while

[Alien]

Originally Posted by yesman

Directions

Follow these steps [in order of course]

1. Go to www.google.com

2. Click on maps

3. Click on get directions

4. Go from "New York" to "Paris, France"

5. Scroll down in the directions to number 24

Been posted before here & here.

Originally Posted by Alien

Been posted before here & here.

Oh

[Woolly One]

Married ten times.


What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Orior]

BTW girls, I collect stamps too :-)

EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Folkestone & Dover in the early hours of Saturday .Its epicentre was in Folkestone. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Invicta FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Folkestone. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes come running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremey Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms and their giros.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "Aylesham" said the girl, "wossit gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Folkestone - oh, s*d it... they won't be able to read it anyway.