Jokes Thread

[Stuart]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young
man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the
window and asks the shepherd,

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then at his peacefully
grazing flock and calmly answers:

"Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his Vodafone cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area
in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it
to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and
the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.


He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the
shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:

"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant" says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.

"You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you know
absolutely nothing about my business...


...now give me back my dog."

[altis]

That sounds familliar...

http://www.cableforum.co.uk/board/34329175-post769.html

[Orior]

What was the first thing Tony Blair said after he was converted to Catholicism?

"We gotta sack that wee usless fecker Strackan!"

[cimt]

Well, someone has to post about Rooney...

Wayne Rooney's infatuation with older women came about coz of his upbringing let me tell you a story of when he was young! I blame his Nan!


When Wayne was celebrating his 11th birthday it seemed like his family had forgot

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his Dad. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", Wayne said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" Wayne exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" Wayne asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father".

[molly]

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for £19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for £19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for £19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie £265.00 when all the others are only £19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Orior]

I think this one should get past the censors?

A guy was lying in bed with his new girlfriend just after a bit of how's your father, and she was stroking his thingy-ma-jig.

He says "You like it?"

She says "No, I just miss mine".

[bw41101]

Should the UK Adopt The Euro?


A recent poll consisting of 10000 people (within the UK), made up of Afghans, Pakistanis, Bangladeshis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis, Africans, Albanians, Bosnians, Turks, Geordies, Mackems, monkey hangers and Liverpudlians were asked to vote upon whether Britain should change its currency to the Euro.

The vote was unanimous - a resounding NO.

They were happy with the Giro.

Si thee :sprint:

[TheNorm]

From my uncle in Canada:

Hi Ya'll.....At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Police Service

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows.

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am!!!

[bw41101]

A man owned a small farm in the midlands.

The local authorities got wind that he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook, she's has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board.

Oh yes - then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays for his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night, oh and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the person I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Si thee

[Ramrod]

Why God never received a Ph.D.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

[TheDaddy]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has an income.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very!!!! very important!!!! that these four women do not know each other.

[Derek]

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.

[Cobbydaler]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.
Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."
He throws a white powder into a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
He warns the man; "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man asks; "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no more and is completely fulfilled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then subside.
But remember, the pork sword will not rise again for another year."

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers.

That night he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave.

He slides into bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic erection ever, just as the medicine man promised.

His wife turns to him and asks, "What did you say '123' for?"

[AbyssUnderground]

You know God is supposed to be neither man nor woman, and neither black nor white? Well I have found God... Michael Jackson!!!


(sorry if anyone found that a bit racist)

[bw41101]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there three finalists remained - Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must be confident that you will follow your instructions to the letter, no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, suddenly all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"You Ba*****s" sge said "This gun is loaded with blanks..! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

She starts - Monday.