Jokes Thread

[Alien]

2 nuns in the bath.
1 says, "where's the soap?"
The other replies, "yes, it does, doesn't it?"

Originally Posted by xpod

Dont you just hate all those lesbian websites.....theres always one going down....

That reminds me of when I first saw the name of a certain TV show in the TV listings: Your Face or Mine - I thought it was a dating show for lesbians.

[goldoni]

A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising the Lord."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." *

[bw41101]

Seeing as there appears to be a religious streak to the jokes lately:

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun French kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, however there are two things I need to be assured of first #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts sniggering. "My son, said the nun, what are you sniggering at?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned - I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish my name's Hymie."

The nun says, "Oh that's OK, my name's Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Si thee

[Orior]

Sister Bernadette walks into Mother Superior's room and confesses "I'm sorry Mother, I've become a prostitute"

"WHAT!!!!" screams Mother Superior.

"Oh I'm sorry Mother, I'm truely sorry, I've become a prostitute"

"Oh thanks heavans for that" replies Mother Superior "I thought you said a protestant".

[TheNorm]

Did you hear about the thief who fell into a container of wet cement?

He became a hardened criminal.

[bw41101]

A man staggers into the hospital A&E with a nine iron wrapped around his neck. With this:

Doctor: "what on earth has happened to you"

Man: "me and the wife were playing a round of golf when we both tee'ed off on the 14th and both chipped into the adjacent farmers field - which by the way had cows grazing nearby".

Doctor: "What happened then"?

Man: Well I hopped over the fence and lifted the tail of each cow in turn until lo and behold I found the wife's ball was lodged in one of the cows anal orrifice.

Doctor: "oh really - and"?

Man: "I shouted over to the missus and said darling this one looks just like yours..!!"

Doctor: "good heavens then what"?

Man: " Can't remember - just recall waking up outside.

Si thee

[Alien]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many
ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr.
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?"

[goldoni]

A gorilla walked into a quiet Waterford pub and putting down a five pound note asked the barman for a pint of bitter. The barman served him thinking "I bet he's a bit dim" then gave him back £1 in change, then wishing to be friendly said "We don't get many gorillas in here" "I bet you don't" replied the gorilla "If you charge them four quid a pint"

---------- Post added at 10:43 ---------- Previous post was at 09:25 ----------

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The Vicar came to call on her one afternoon, she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat.

while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young Vicar noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cakes, the Vicar tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was returning from church and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

[bw41101]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St.Peter replies, "That's a question only God your creator can answer. " So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looking even more puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes."

The zebra (looking even more bemused) then says to St. Peter, "what - How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," St. Peter replies, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said,

"You is what you is."


Sigh...............................!

[Graham M]

hmmmmm

[Orior]

Originally Posted by bw41101

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

St.Peter replies, "That's a question only God your creator can answer. " So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asks, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looking even more puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'" St. Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes."

The zebra (looking even more bemused) then says to St. Peter, "what - How do you know that for certain?"

"Because," St. Peter replies, "If you were black with white stripes, God would have said,

"You is what you is."


Sigh...............................!

Thats quite clever!

Originally Posted by Orior

Thats quite clever!

I know the following statement will please quite a lot of people, but - "Words fail me".

Update -
Sorry, I have now got the joke - it is about the difference between the singular and the plural uses of the second-person personal pronoun "you"; for instance, because you is both singular and plural, various English dialects have attempted to revive the distinction between a singular and plural you to avoid confusion between the two uses. This is typically done by adding a new plural form; examples of new plurals sometimes seen and heard are y'all/you-all (primarily in the southern United States and African American Vernacular English), you guys (in the U.S., particularly in Midwest, Northeast, and West Coast, and in Australia), youse/youse guys (Scotland, Northern England, Australia, New Zealand, New York City region, Philadelphia, Michigan's Upper Peninsula; also spelt without the E), and you-uns/yinz (Western Pennsylvania, The Appalachians). English spoken in Ireland, known as Hiberno-English, uses the word ye as the plural form, or yous.

You're right, it is quite clever.

[goldoni]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for France but I was just too embarrassed to say."

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

I know the following statement will please quite a lot of people, but - "Words fail me".

Update -
Sorry, I have now got the joke - it is about the difference between the singular and the plural uses of the second-person personal pronoun "you"; for instance, because you is both singular and plural, various English dialects have attempted to revive the distinction between a singular and plural you to avoid confusion between the two uses. This is typically done by adding a new plural form; examples of new plurals sometimes seen and heard are y'all/you-all (primarily in the southern United States and African American Vernacular English), you guys (in the U.S., particularly in Midwest, Northeast, and West Coast, and in Australia), youse/youse guys (Scotland, Northern England, Australia, New Zealand, New York City region, Philadelphia, Michigan's Upper Peninsula; also spelt without the E), and you-uns/yinz (Western Pennsylvania, The Appalachians). English spoken in Ireland, known as Hiberno-English, uses the word ye as the plural form, or yous.

You're right, it is quite clever.

Ah - yes - well - er - ahem - cough - that's right. Assuming that the above is the case, then if one was (perhaps) located within the southern United States of America, for example - Louisiana or maybe within the districts adjacent to the Mississippi delta a typical response would be:

Yezzum!

Si thee

[Cobbydaler]

Veterinarian to yokel: "Do you know yon farm's got blue tongue?"

Yokel: "Crikey, I never even knew t' farmer had a mobile!"