Jokes Thread

[zoombini]

Isn't it that a shovel has a big blade with curved edges so that when shovelling I.E. coal, it helps keep it on & can shovel more & that a spade has a more rectangular thicker flat blade for digging holes?

And a pick has and irishman on the end of it

[AndrewJ]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed

that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of

space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now

monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night

10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, Barhopping 6.9 & Racing 3.6 no longer run,

crashing the system whenever selected


I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run

my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!



Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________



REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:



This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade

from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and

Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed

by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!


It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It

is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system

once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not

allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child

Support- Homeless. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving

the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to

alleviate additional software augmentation.




The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE, because

ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the

system

will return to normal anyway.



Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife

1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,

Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. The downside is that it also comes with a

sub-program called Spend It 12.9 that can not be deleted. Watch this

program VERY carefully, or you will have to refer to your manual again under2nd

Job

- Mobile Home - Collecting Cans.




Be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the

system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to

improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software.




Recommend Flowers 2.1, Vacations 8.4 and Diamonds 5.0 WARNING!!! DO

NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt

3.3 or Babysitter 17.0 These applications are not supported by Wife 1.0 and

will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and your personal hard drive.

Best of luck,

Tech Support
_________________

[Orior]

Originally Posted by zoombini

And a pick has and irishman on the end of it

I think, as far as Cromwell was concerned, that was a pike not a pick.

[Graham]

Originally Posted by zoombini

And a pick has and irishman on the end of it

Not forgetting an "idiot stick"...

... That's a stick with a broom head on one end and an idiot on the other

[Hom3r]

What type of key opens any lock

[gets coat ready]

A Pie Key (Pikey)
__________________

What goes in dry, comes out wet, and satifies two people.



A Tea Bag

[me283]

You know what really makes me sick?





About 11 pints and a greasy kebab...

[Orior]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS. Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS. Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

[Paul K]

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

[MovedGoalPosts]

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and the ball rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed over the fence into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad where it rested quietly.

Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then an eagle swooped down, grabbed the frog and flew away.

As they passed over the green the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, †œI hate playing with your Dad.â₠¬Ã‚

[marky]

( American in a blackpool taxi)

american> what is that?
driver> that is the pleasure beach, over 50 years in construction and still building it
american> got one in the states twice the size, took only 3 years to build
american> what is that?
driver> that is the south pier, it was built over 50yrs ago and took years to complete
american> got one in the states, took 3 weeks to build and its 3 times bigger
american> (looking at blackpool tower) what is that?
driver> i'll be buggered if i know it wasnt there this morning

[Hom3r]

Why do woman wear white at their wedding?

Well they need to match the Fridge & Dishwasher
__________________

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too ....)



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IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email; although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

[Ramrod]

The Early Days of Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

Tech Support: Fire help. Me Groog

Lorto: Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

Tech Support: You have tinder?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: You have flint and stone?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: You hit them together?

Lorto: Ugh

Tech Support: What happen?

Lorto: Fire not work. Tinder not catch fire.

Tech Support: (sigh) Make spark?

Lorto: Plenty spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

Tech Support: (sigh) You change rock?

Lorto: I change nothing

Tech Support: You sure?

Lorto: Me make one change. Tinder hot yesterday, so today me soak in
stream so not burn Lorto hand. Only small change, shouldn't keep Lorto
from make fire.

*Groog grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

[Paul K]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with herboyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry!! grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!"
"I can't jump out the window - It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had ran right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along side the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best as he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope................just when it's raining!"

[AndrewJ]

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
__________________

Little Known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

[Florence]

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a
London bus for five miles along its route, all the while
attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the
conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and
10p for your suitcase."

The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare,
just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more
and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over
London bridge, he grabs the Scotsman's suitcase and hurls
it out of the bus. It lands in the river and sinks without
a trace.

The Scotsman stands shocked for a moment and says to the
ticket collector, "Not only are ye tryin' to overcharge me
for the ticket--but now ye've gone an' drowned me boy
Angus!"