Jokes Thread

[Welshchris]

That Job is as old as the hills!

[Lord Nikon]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[thenry]

Harry Redknapp has pulled over on the A406 to give an interview to a speed camera.

[Sirius]

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, Librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable

[Welshchris]

MC Hammer opened up his new herb shop this weekend.
Hammer's Thyme.

[Angelica]

Smart Student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."



---------- Post added at 13:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:42 ----------

Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

---------- Post added at 13:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:43 ----------

The Smart Blonde

A blonde woman boards an airplane. She is extremely exhausted and just wants to take a nap. She finally finds her seat and sits down next to a very curious young man.

He wants to test the whole dub blonde thing and possibly make some money out of it. "Hey, wanna play a game?" he asks her. "No thank you, i just want to take a nap." "Please, its really easy, all you have to do is answer the questions that i ask you. If you don't know the answer, then you give me five dollars, and if I don't know the answer to your question, then Ill give you five dollars."

"I really don't want to do this. I just want to take a nap."

"Oh but PLEASE pretty please. Okay, how about if I don't know the answer to your question, I'll give you five hundred dollars." The blonde woman became interested and decided to play the game.

"Okay. How many moons does jupiter have?" the young man asked. The woman reached into her purse and took out a five dollar bill. "What goes up the mountain with three legs and comes back down with four?".

The young man, determined not to lose, gets out his laptop and searches all over the internet for an answered. Flustered and confused, the young man hand the blonde five hundred dollars.

After a few hours, the young man was itching to know the answer to the question."What was the answer to the riddle?" the blonde woman reached into her purse and handed the young man a five dollar bill.

---------- Post added at 13:44 ---------- Previous post was at 13:43 ----------

Technical Support

I worked in technical support at Silicon Graphics about a year ago, and I was part of the group that was first in line to handle problem calls. Oh, joy. Being only eighteen at the time, my experience in the field of technical support was somewhat limited, but I could still handle my own.

Now, as you may or may not know, SGI sells top of the line computers used in many different industries. On average, they're about three times as expensive as personal PCs and are meant to be used by professionals in the industries they're used in.

Anyway, the following call came in:

Customer: "I just received an Onyx yesterday, and I tried to set it up today and it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "It just doesn't boot up?"

Customer: "It doesn't even turn on. I see nothing on the screen, and the fan doesn't even turn on in the back of the system."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor functioning? Is there a little green light in the lower right corner of the monitor?"
Customer: "Yes, there is."
Tech Support: "Ok, is the computer plugged in?"
Customer: (irritated) "Look, I think I know how to set up a system. I'm a college graduate, you know."

Tech Support: "Ok, let me finish typing up this report, and I'll send it off. You will get a reply within one business day."
Customer: (exasperated) "Thank you. Geez, I mean I paid a huge amount of money for this computer. The least you people can do it make sure it works before sending it to me!"

Customer: "I mean, to add to the poor quality control, you even sent me one extra power cord."
Tech Support: "One extra cord?"
Customer: "Yes, it looks just the one I used to plug in the monitor and computer, but that's all you sent to me. I have no use for this other one."

At this point, I thought I should inquire a little more...but use a bit of tact to do so.

Tech Support: "Sir, can you double check the serial number on the back of your computer?"
Customer: "On the back of the computer?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Customer: (sigh) "All right, all right, hold on..."

I heard a few muffled grunts as he crawled over his desk to see the back of the computer. He repeated the serial number from the sticker. I didn't bother to verify it.

Tech Support: "Thank you, sir. Oh, by the way, can you check to see if the computer is plugged in?"

Dead silence. I could just picture the man's face when he realized that the computer was never plugged in in the first place and that the "extra" power cord he was holding in his hand was for the computer. I didn't wait for a response from him. I thanked him for calling, hung up, and closed the case.

[Mod Edit - post moved to appropriate thread]

[bw41101]

Theoretically v realistic!

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says, "Right-o son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! Mums says she would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question." The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, Sister says that she said she would too"!

So then his dad says: "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds. "The little lad comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad.

"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid - Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."


-------------------------- And another one ---------------------------
Lucky or what

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship hit an old world war two mine and promptly sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron which I used that to make tools and the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please - Would you like a drink?"

"No - No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still - How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable - feel free to take a shower and a shave, there's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next I wonder?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months, you must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.......................................!










"You've built a Golf Course ???????"

Sigh....................................!

Si thee

[Sox]

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

[Welshchris]

My Dad walked through the door this morning.

I Told him to use the handle next time.

---------- Post added at 19:25 ---------- Previous post was at 19:18 ----------

2 Footballers wives walk into a lift where an old lady was already standing.

One of the wives said have you smelled my new scent its by Calvin Klein and costs £50 per 25ml.

The Second wife replies thats nothing smell mine it is by Chanel and costs £80 per 25ml.

With that the old lady farts and said well mine is called Sprouts by Tesco and costs 99p per pound.

[XxAmazingStarxX]

Family guy fart song episode!!! LOL!!!

[linkinghabit]

Originally Posted by iadom

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,

he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at
a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab said, "My thirst is killing me. Please, do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?

They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need your overpriced tie. I need

water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a

tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that

hill to the east for about four miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and disappeared. Eight hours later

the Arab came crawling back to the Jewish man's table. The Jew said,

"I told you, the restaurant with the water is about four miles over that

hill.

Could you not find it?"

"I found it," rasped the Arab. "But your brother wouldn't let me in without

a tie"
__________________
BRITIS HOSPITALITY

AN AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore

the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and

occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat

with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds

himself in a very high-class area... big, stately residences... no pubs,

no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.



He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He finds

a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings

and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.



As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who

says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really

HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."



"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back

"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has

ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,


and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the



cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.



As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really

decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"



"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[COLOR="Silver"]

---------- Post added at 15:12 ---------- Previous post was at 15:11 ----------

---------- Post added at 15:14 ---------- Previous post was at 15:12 ----------

Originally Posted by Sirius

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on, the first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded." the second surgeon says, "No, Librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order" the third surgeon shut them up when he said: "You're all wrong, politicians are the easiest to operate on, there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable

lol....

[Russ]

There was an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman on a plane.....that's the Rugby World Cup for you

[huxleypiguk]

There was a Scotsman an Irishman and Welshman in a bar. Well thats Euro 2012 for you.

(Thought I'd drop that in as I am sick of the Welsh people around me forgetting their past performances in the Rugby World Cup and believing that they are the only home country to ever get to the semi finals)

[Nugget]

Originally Posted by huxleypiguk

There was a Scotsman a Northern Irishman and Welshman in a bar. Well thats Euro 2012 for you.

(Thought I'd drop that in as I am sick of the Welsh people around me forgetting their past performances in the Rugby World Cup and believing that they are the only home country to ever get to the semi finals)

My emphasis

[huxleypiguk]

Fair point, me bad...