[Merged] Jokes Thread

[Hom3r]

Since Storm Dennis started my girlfriend hasn't stopped looking through the window...


If it get any worse I will have to let her in

Gary Delaney joke on Twitter today - took me a while to get it...

The reason there’s never been a Rolling Stones musical is that it’s so hard to finding a casting director without sin.

[pip08456]

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?’ He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?’



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me. 'The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you’ Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.’ 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.’



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!’ 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!’



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!’ The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!’



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?’



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'

[Mad Max]

Bad news for dyslexics on 28th October - your cocks go black.

[Mad Max]

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?”

[TheDaddy]

I urge you under no circumstances to spell part backwards

It's a trap

[Julian]

I told a girl in the office yesterday that she was painting her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Hom3r]

I got a book on superglue, I can't put it down

Nicolas Cage walks into a bar with John Travolta in 1997.

The barman says "why the wrong face?"

[joglynne]

Not sure where this originated to give the author credit and not sure where to post it but had to share. Enormous thanks to Maggy for helping me smile this morning.

10 points to consider as 2020 ends

1 The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3 The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4 This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5 Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6 Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7 I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8 I need to practice social-distancing ....from the refrigerator.

9 I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip out to the bins!

10 Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.


Does anyone have any to add?

[heero_yuy]

I thought of all the things I should give up for new year but I don't want to be accused of being a quitter.

[Hom3r]

As I awoke this morning,
When all things sweet are born,
A robin perched upon my sill
To hail a happy morn.

He looked so young and fragile,
So sweetly did he sing,
That thoughts of joy and happiness
Into my heart did spring.

I smiled discreetly to myself
As I paused beside my bed,
Then quickly brought the window down,
And smashed his little head!