Jokes Thread

[altis]

There were two chippings sitting quietly in a pub having a drink when in walks this stranger. One chipping leans over to the other and says "You see that green chipping that's just walked up to the bar?". "Yes" replies the other. "Well, he's really hard, he is. You don't want to go messing with him.". "Why's that?" asked the second chipping. "Cos he's a cycle-path"

[Gareth]

Three Englishmen are in a pub and spot a Scotsman at the bar. The first one says he's going to p*ss him off. So he walks over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a poof."

"Oh aye really? Hmm, I didnae ken that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walks back to his buddies. "I told him St. Andrew was a poof and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn" says his friend. So this second Englishman walks over and taps the Scotsman on the shoulder.

"Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was a transvestite poof!"

"Jings, I didnae ken that either! Cheers pal." Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman goes back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakeable!"

But the the third Englishman says "No, no, no, I'll really p*ss him off, you just watch."

So he wanders over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

[xpod]

So he wanders over to the Scotsman, taps him on the shoulder and says "Hey Jock, I hear your St. Andrew was an Englishman!"

"Aye, so yer mates were sayin...."

Englishman,Irishman & Jock are captured by the Souix Indians.

Big chief ****ting bull pinches the Englishmans skin.."good skin,make 2 canoes"Then asked if he has any last requests to which the Englishman asks for a glass port.......before being skinned alive for the 2 canoes.

Chief then pinches the Paddy and declares "very good skin,make 3 cannoes".Paddy requests a guiness before being skinned for alive for the 3 canoes

Chief then pinches Jocks skin and astounded,decares "very very good skin,make 4 cannoes, any last requests"??
Jock requests a Macallans 25 Yr old malt & a fork....Bemused the chief grants the request only to watch Jock throw back the malt then proceed to stab himself all over with the fork shouting " yer nae gettin ony bloody canoes oot o me ya numpty"

[bw41101]

Three (7 year old) children (two boys and a girl) where walking along the street when they came upon a Rolls Royce parked alongside a row of terraced houses.

First boy: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a footballer and buy a car like that"

Second boy: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a football manager and also buy a car like that"

Girl: "When I grow up, I'm going to be a prostitute then I can buy a car like that"

Two Boys: What's a prostitute?

Girl: Don't know, ask my sister - it's her car.


Si thee

[Ramrod]

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Both subsequently died in the ambulance and the PCT set up an enquiry, which came to the following conclusions:

1. The 50 mile journey to the nearest casualty department was in the couples' best interests.

2. The fact that there was no local bed in which Jack could mend his head was unfortunate but no targets had been breached and he had been offered a choice.

3. The lack of vinegar and brown paper was not material to the man's death as NICE had not yet decided whether it was cost-effective and in any case both the brown paper nurse and the vinegar nurse were away on courses.

4. The GP was most to blame and should be suspended and referred to the GMC as he had:

a. Not reported Jack and Jill's lack of water to social services;

b. Failed to recognise that anyone going UP the hill to fetch a pail of water must be seriously demented;

c. Had not involved the Falls Coordinator which resulted in Jill tumbling after Jack.


Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle right up to his middle and never went there again. This also resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they could be.
The BUPA team won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one "Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year BUPA won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment, and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management.

[iadom]

A man and woman went to a restaurant and the lady wanted the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip from the tank for her main course.
The waiter took the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip to the kitchen and gave it to the french chef jervaisse.
As he raised the cleaver to chop off its head, it looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said "please dont kill me" and he couldn't.
So he called over the german washer up Hans and told him to kill the squid.
As Hans raised the cleaver to chop off its head the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said
"please dont kill me" and Hans couldn't do it either.

The moral of the story is that Hans that do dishes can be as soft as jervaisse with a mild green hairy lipped squid!!!!

Originally Posted by iadom

A man and woman went to a restaurant and the lady wanted the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip from the tank for her main course.
The waiter took the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip to the kitchen and gave it to the french chef jervaisse.
As he raised the cleaver to chop off its head, it looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said "please dont kill me" and he couldn't.
So he called over the german washer up Hans and told him to kill the squid.
As Hans raised the cleaver to chop off its head the mild mannered green squid with the hairy lip looked up at him with puppy dog eyes and said
"please dont kill me" and Hans couldn't do it either.

The moral of the story is that Hans that do dishes can be as soft as jervaisse with a mild green hairy lipped squid!!!!

[Ramrod]

Scouse vasectomy

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't
want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Portslade, Crawley, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales?.

[Derek]

I bought the wife a new bag and belt for her birthday...

The hoover works perfectly now.

[Marko Ramius]

Two monkeys in the shower together.
One goes 'ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, aah, aah, aah, aah'.
The other says 'well add some cold water then!'

[bw41101]

The official from Nescafé manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafé official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafé is prepared to donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafé man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafé guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafé respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the Catholic church if you will change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good
news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're dropping the Hovis account."

Sigh...........................!

Ohh they get worse, see below!


Paddy was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

Doc: "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

Doc: "Why, that's amazing, you followed my instructions?"

Paddy nodded...

Paddy: "I'll tell you doh, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on every tird day."

Doc: "From hunger?"

Paddy: "No, from skippin'.....!


Sigh...................!

Si thee

[Woolly One]

Apologies if this has been posted before - sent over from a friend in the US.

SCHOOL 1967 vs 2007
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack .
1967 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1967 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Jeffrey parents sue school and have teacher arrested.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school .
1967 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that passing English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1967 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1967 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

------------------------------

I wasn't sure if this belomged in Jokes or Current Affairs?!?!?

[Hom3r]

Master Card Wedding

You got to love this guy.

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University . It made the local newspaper; even Jay Leno mentioned it.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family & to especially thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, were an envelope. He stressed that this was his gift to everyone, & asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8 x 10 glossy of his bride having sex with his best friend, the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier & had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride & said, "F--- you!" Then he turned back to the dumbfounded crowd & said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the following morning.

While most people would have canceled the Wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride' s parents pay over $32,000 for a 300+ guest wedding & reception, & best of all, trashing the bride's & his best man's reputations in front of 300+ friends & family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a Master Card

"PRICELESS" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members & friends:
$32,000...

Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000...

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui :
$8,500...

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping his best man:
Priceless...

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a jar of Jalapenos - - - What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[Orior]

If its a true story, then why is it in the jokes section?

Originally Posted by Orior

If its a true story, then why is it in the jokes section?

9 times out of ten, these type of "true stories" turn out to be urban legends.

http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp


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