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Old 23-08-2005, 03:49   #181
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Scottish Drinking

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"
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Old 23-08-2005, 03:50   #182
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Golden blonde joke

Dug this one from my email archives of jokes.

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25
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Old 23-08-2005, 03:55   #183
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Re: Golden blonde joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saxodriver
Dug this one from my email archives of jokes.

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 2:
"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "yes dear"

Day 3:
"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25
have you got your coat on
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Old 23-08-2005, 10:23   #184
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Re: Golden blonde joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris W
The joke thread is for jokes... merging this now.
Might want to merge the majority of posts in the Humour section then as there are a lot of single joke posts in there.
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Old 23-08-2005, 10:27   #185
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Re: Scottish Drinking

merging with existing jokes thread
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Old 24-08-2005, 11:01   #186
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

How to make a woman happy?

It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Make love to him
3. keep quiet when the footballs on
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Old 25-08-2005, 00:58   #187
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

LEARN TO DRIVE A GERMAN CAR



In the single European Market, we must learn to adapt to our fellow Europeans and their products, including Germany and their cars. In this short, but informative guide, I will attempt to translate the rather complicated German Descriptions, into more sensible English Ones.



Indicators.................. Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Bonnet.................. Pullknob und Knucklechopper

Exhaust.................. Spitzenpoppenbangentuben

Speedometer.................. Der Egobooster und Linenshooter

Clutch.................. Die Kuplink mit Schlippen und Schaken

Puncture.................. Die Phlatt mit Bludy****en

Learner.................. Die Twatten mit Elplatz

Estate Car.................. Der Bagmeroomfurschagginkinauto

Parking Meter.................. Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwer

Windscreen Wiper.................. Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredden

Foot Brake.................. Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen

Gear Lever.................. Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen

Breathalyser................. .................. Die Pufflintem fur Pisten****n

Rear View Mirror.................. Der Yokunter Tecklosen

Seat Belt... .................. Der klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper

Headlights .................. Das Dippendontdazzelubastad

Exhaust Fumes....... .................. Der Koffenundschpittpoluter

Highway Code......... .................. Der Wipan fur ****n

Fog Warning.... .................. Die puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt

Traffic Jam.................. .................. Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblasten

Rear Seat.................. Der Schpringentester

Tyres......... .................. Flattfahrts

Backfire.... .................. Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen

Juggernaut .................. Der Fukkengrett Trukken

Accident... .................. Der Bledinmess

Near Accident... .................. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen



Happy Motoring...
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majestyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, †œsâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ will be used instead of the soft †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚. Sertainly, sivil servants will reserve this news with joy. Also, the hard †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ will be replaced with †œkâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome †œphÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â will be replased by †œfâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚. This will make words like †œfotografà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚à  20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent †œeâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ŠÂ¢sââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing †œthÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â by †œzâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ and †œwâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ by †œvâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary †œoâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ kan be dropd from vords kontaining †œouÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â, and similar khanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru
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A grim and ghostly mist swirled over the rain sodden streets of North London. The silence was broken only by the hooting of a very gifted bat. The moon was full, and Astronauts queued outside. The wind whistled all through the night and other Welsh hymns.

A car pulled up outside No.15 Birchwood Close as Nigel was giving Shirley a lift home. Nigel was an exceptional young man, heart of gold, nerves of steel, alabaster feet and a knob of butter. It had been a lovely romantic evening, an intimate romantic dinner for two, a single red rose and a candle. Not very tasty but lots of roughage.

Nigel hoped that Shirley would ask him in for coffee, or better still some rampant horny sex. Last time he recalled all he got was a peck on the cheek, but thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s one of the drawbacks of keeping a parrot in your underpants. †œWhy donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you come up to my flat for some rampant horny sex?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ said Shirley. Nigel could hardly believe his ears, but nobody could, they were six feet long and covered in fur. Shirleyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s flat was small and cold, but fortunately, it was also large and warm.

†œOh! Before anything happens, Iâ₠™m not on the pill.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said Nigel. †œDonâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ ¾Ã‚¢t worry.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said Shirley, †œPut this on.ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ Nigel put it on. It was the Beachboys Greatest Hits. Nigel and Shirley gazed at each other, their eyes met, to form one huge eye that could see in four directions. There was a pause, it was Nigel that broke the silence. He apologized and opened a window. Relaxing with the music and wine they both started to undress, there was a slight moment of embarrassment for Nigel when he took his underpants off and the parrot flew out.

They sat opposite each other naked on the bed, Shirley had the most perfect breasts, he leaned towards her and they embraced, there are not many breasts that can do that! Nigel licked his lips, he then licked the small of his back. Which, for my money beats the breast trick anyday.

They made love. Afterwards, Shirley took out a packet of cigarettes †œI thought there was something in the way.â₠¬Ã‚ said Nigel.

†œNigelâ €  said Shirley †œAm I the first girl you have ever made love to?ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚

†œI donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t knowââ‚ ¬Ã‚ said Nigel †œWere you ever stuck in a lift in Harrods in 1979?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â



THE END
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Old 25-08-2005, 01:08   #188
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

two men stuck in a lift


1-we should engage in conversation it would pass the time
2-what do you recomend
1-nuclear power
2-well why is it a goat,horse and cow eat the same food but there poo comes out different ones nuggets ones large grassy lumps and the other all sloppy?
1-well i dont know
2-how do you expect to talk nuclear power when you dont know s**t

from a mate
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Old 25-08-2005, 01:35   #189
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

'O' LEVEL EXAMINATION PAPER

FOR THE IRISH IMMIGRANTS

TIME ALLOWED - THREE FORTNIGHTS


1. What language does a Frenchman speak?

2. What is a Silver Dollar made of?

3. What country is the Queen of England Queen of?

4. Who invented Stephenson's Rocket?

5. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Yes or No

6. What is a coat hanger used for?

7. Where is the basement in a three-story building?

8. At what time is the †œNews at Tenââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ on?

9. What wood do you get from an Oak tree?

10. How many commandments are there?

11. How composed †œBeethoven's 5th Symphonyââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚?

12. What are sandcastles made from?

13. What do Anteater's eat?

14. Who painted Whistlers mother?

15. What lives in a birdcage?

16. In what city is the London Palladium?

17. What colour is a Blackbird?

18. How long is a yardstick?

19. To how did Stanley say †œDR Livingstone I presume.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚?

20. What game is a tennis ball used in?

21. Who wrote the †œDiaries of Samuel PeypesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â?

22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?

23. In the 1972 sheep dog trials how many dog were found guilty?
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KNOW YOUR ENEMY

NO 43. PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO

SHARE YOUR FRIDGE WITH








l Type A

Mr †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This is the worst b******d of all. He or she will drive you CRAZY by distorting hippy or left wing values in order to excuse himself for ripping off your grub! He will make you feel like a complete, petty Nazi, possessionist breadhead, because heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s eaten all your bacon. He will adopt an INFURIATINGLY reasonable, soft spoken tone and say, †˜Look if it really means that much to you, Iâ₠™ll buy you some more.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ but you know itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s midnight and your hungry now. Of course you are more than welcome to help yourself to this guyââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s stuff, but who wants an empty tube of Craft cheese spread?



l Type B

Ms †˜Look why donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t we have a house kitty and buy a communal sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This girl is a complete nuisance. She doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realize that Mr †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ will eat it and say †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢



l Type C

Mr and Ms †˜Look those sausages are mine and JackieÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢sÃà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢à €žÂ¢ The house couple, and a right pain, they have electric fences and snarling Doberman Pinchers round their neat, well-stocked bit of the fridge. And every night, they cook themselves PROPER MEALS, like spag bolââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s and amazingly together things like that, and have YOGHURTS afterwards. They form a united front, and are totally unassailable in fridge matters. And then thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a bit of their amazing spag bol left, and you drool a bit, but no, they scrape it into a bowl and put clingfilm over it and go upstairs and make the floorboards creak all through †˜The Untouchablesâ↡¬â„¢.




l Type D

Mr Sticky Label A perfect gent, marks his own stuff clearly, and uses only that . . . Except I could really do with a cup of tea, and heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s got loads of milk, if I just pinch a bit...







QUESTION:Why did Juliet stab herself in the Capulet tomb?

ANSWERS: Because Romeo had eaten her last sausage, despite the fact it was clearly marked †˜ J †™ in biro, and in her part of the FRIDGE.



QUESTION: Why did Delilah cut off all SamsonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s hair?

ANSWER: Because she caught him using a bit of her milk in his coffee, and all right it was only a splash, but it just seems to happen every time, and the other night she brought some friends back for coffee, and three wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t enough milk, which was ridiculous, because sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d only bought it the day before, and thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s no way the house can be run if people donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t feel confident about leaving private property in the FRIDGE.



QUESTION:Why did Paul McCartney leave Jane Asher for Linda Eastman?

ANSWER:Linda might not be as talented as Jane, but at least she doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t deliberately peel off the sticky labels marked †˜Paulâà ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ž ¢sââ ¬â„¢ that heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d put on the half empty box of fish fingers, in the ice-making compartment of the FRIDGE.



QUESTION:What keeps Cliff and Sue together?

ANSWER:Their fridge is broken.



But donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t blame the fridge.



When Napoleon invaded Russia to get his yoghurt back, it wasnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that nicked it.



When the †˜I hadnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t even opened this carton of orange juiceÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ war (later known as †˜The Second World Warââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢) started, it wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that had drunk the juice. No. IT WAS THATCHER
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Old 25-08-2005, 01:36   #190
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?
winnie
is this a quiz ?
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Old 25-08-2005, 01:43   #191
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Quote:
Originally Posted by marky
22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?
winnie
is this a quiz ?


only truly stupid people will get wrong answers
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THE WORLDS LONGEST LIGHTBULB JOKES


Question: How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?



2 People - preliminary discussion on concept of change

1 Person - devise and write formal bulb architecture

2 People - feasibility study and timetable of events

2 People - produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time (in addition to the electric utility)

1 Person - maintain ISO and DEC standards (sockets, voltage, AC/DC)

4 People - commonality task force on bulb change

15 People - change bulb

5 People - perform bulb functional test

2 People - perform bulb load test

3 People - perform bulb regression test

1 Person - perform bulb performance analysis

1 Person - perform bulb bottleneck analysis

1 Person - follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility)

1 Person - interface with Utilities Commission

1 Person - interface with users. (Did they want incandescent when we only supply non-tuneable fluorescent point product?) BAX (Bulbs Are expensive)!

5 People - perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements) compatibility/architecture study.

3 People - ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).

3 People - implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already existing, successful and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).

5 People - determine how to market/package/distribute temporary alternative bulb socket.

10 People - determine how to perform bulb change product split (control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation: screw-in torque, recovery strategies)

1 Person - interface with utilities commission QA group

1 Person - submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Centre)

1 Person - set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system

10 People - answer customer BPRs

11 People - football team to challenge bulb changers.

---------------------------------------------

Question: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?



A. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as †œLawyerà€Â  and the party of the second part, also known as †œLight Bulbââ‚ ¬Ã‚, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry-way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.



The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.



2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (†œReceptacleÃƒà ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚à ‚), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.



3.Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (†œNew Light Bulbâ₠¬Ã‚). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.



NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorised by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as †œPartnership.Ãà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ 
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Old 25-08-2005, 01:49   #192
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

or theres the feminist one

how many men
1 to hold it and 20 billion to revolve the world around him
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why does it take a woman with pmt an hour to change a bulb?

BECAUSE IT DOES
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Old 25-08-2005, 02:02   #193
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

Whats yellow, ugly & sleeps alone








Yoko Ono
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Old 25-08-2005, 02:05   #194
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

OOOO ide change that one might be taken the wrong way
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Old 26-08-2005, 18:57   #195
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)

pick up the bat with the cursor and kill that crazy frog

http://www.somethingwrong.co.uk/crazy_frog_baseball/
pleeeeeez
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