Jokes Thread

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette

[bopdude]

There was an Englishman, Ishrisman, Welshman and a Scotsman, the Englishman said to the other 3, I'll bet you a hundred pounds each you can't name 3 fish begining with and ending with a K, they thought long and hard, eventually they gave up and asked what they were. The Englishman replied ..... Killer SharK , I'll give you that one, said the Welshman, whats the other 2, they asked ? Laughing, the Englishman said, Kwik Save HaddocK, I'll give you that one said the Irishman, whats the last one they asked ? still laughing, the Englishman said KilmarnocK,the Scotsman leaped to his feet, thats not a fish, he said, what do you mean said the Englishman .................................................. ....................... It's a Plaice,

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized
up by God...


"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure to send you to
Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly
Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case,
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"


Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"


God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help
you make a decision."


"Fine, but where should I go first?"


God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."


Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a
beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of
beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and
frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill
was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!"


"Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds,
with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as
enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.


"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.


Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how
he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned
and tortured by demons.


"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.


Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What
happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?"


God says, "That was the screen saver".

[Ramrod]

One-liners:

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I'm reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

[MetaWraith]

Conversion Factors for your Digestion:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
19. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

Driving to work this morning on the
motorway, I looked over to my right and
there was a woman in her brand new
Mercedes doing 85 miles per hour.


With her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her makeup!


I looked away for a couple seconds and when
I looked back she was halfway over in my
lane, still working on that damn makeup!!


Well, I'm a man, but this sight scared me so badly,
I dropped my electric razor, which knocked the doughnut
out my other hand, then while trying to straighten
out the car using my knee, it knocked my mobile phone
away from my ear which fell into the coffee between
my legs, splashed and burned my crotch, ruined the
damn phone and disconnected a very important call!!


LOUSY WOMEN DRIVERS!!

[Ramrod]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came
in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and
another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have
lost it and need a new one." She replied that she did not know exactly what
it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what
the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "Is
there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

This is what she pointed to...
__________________

On a personal note........I experienced a similar occurrence.............

Last summer I wondered down to the local Quickfit tyre place and asked if I could have an old tyre to hang from a branch in the garden for my kids to swing on. The manager said yes so off I went and chose one from the big pile of old tyres at the back. I then asked him how much he wanted for the old tyre. He replied 'nothing, they charge us a pound for every one they have to take away'
I thanked him and as I turned to leave a little blonde thing (who was having her tyres changed) squeaked to the manager 'why can't I have those on my car then'

[Florence]

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£70,00 0"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
is back on the market. They're asking £950,00 0"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They
will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really
is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at
him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


I can just imagine a man doing that

[Ramrod]

What do you call a chav in a box,


INNIT

what do you call an eskimo chav????


innuinnit!!!!!
__________________

what do you call a fat goth?


vampire the buffet slayer
__________________

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in
tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and
obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the
gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big
Chavster. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a blow
job?" he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire
in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool,
he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves
him badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing
had happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.
"I've never seen you react like that" he says "Just what did he say to
you?" "I'm not sure" the Chav replies. "Something about a job."


__________________

What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?!"

[Raistlin]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

what do you call a fat goth?


vampire the buffet slayer

Just posted that one on Chat and they loved it

[Ramrod]

2 chavs in a car without any music. Whos driving?
The police.

What do chavs use as protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
__________________

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To punch someone for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

(I think I've hit the motherlode of chav jokes)
__________________

What's the difference between a battery and a chav?

A battery has a positive side

What's the difference between a chavette and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of it's own

__________________

Judge: What gear were you in at the moment of crashing your Nova?

Chav defendant: Reeboks and a Burbery cap.
__________________

Chavette is doing the washing up when her 4 year old daughter comes up to her
"Mummy, I wondered why your hands are so soft"
"'Kin ell Storm" says the chavette. "It's 'cos I'm twelve, innit"

[bopdude]

Didn't wanna quote the lot there rammy but 'kin good fun

[Florence]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, " OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block. "

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!)

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The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

[Gareth]

The Best Break up Letter Ever....

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letterââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¦.

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky.....

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky...

[Ramrod]

If you don't know where you want to go, we'll make sure you get taken." -- Japanese translation of Microsoft's slogan

The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

"Data, data everywhere, but not one drop that helps you think."

"Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it."