Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

Not that I've got owt against woody - you understand, but:

Q. What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

Q. Why did Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree?
A. He couldn’t decide between an iron and a wood.

Q. What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
A. They went clubbing!

Q. What club did Elin use to 'rescue' her husband?
A. A bitching wedge.

Q. What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?
A. They're both clubbed by Norwegians!

The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger Woods' crash - they are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger”.

Tiger has just changed his nickname, but still kept it in the cat family-his new name? - Cheetah!

Si thee

[Welshchris]

Invisible man and invisible women got married the kids were nothing to look at

What's so wrong with robin hoods house?
He only had a little john

[Welshchris]

2 Blokes in a pub, ones says "I dont believe in sex before marriage, i never had sex with my wife before we were married did u?" The second guys says i dont know whats her name!

[Ramrod]

Borders



Let me see if I understand all this...



· If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years

hard labour.

· If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained

indefinitely.

· If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

· If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be

jailed.

· If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be

heard from again.





If you cross the UK borders illegally, you get:
A job
A drivers license
A social security card
Welfare
Food stamps
Credit cards
Subsidised rent or a loan to buy a house
Free education
Free health care
And in many instances you can vote



Does that make sense to you??????

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

Borders



Let me see if I understand all this...



· If you cross the North Korean border illegally you get 12 years

hard labour.

· If you cross the Iranian border illegally, you are detained

indefinitely.

· If you cross the Afghan border illegally, you get shot.

· If you cross the Saudi Arabian border illegally, you will be

jailed.

· If you cross the Chinese border illegally, you may never be

heard from again.





If you cross the UK borders illegally, you get:
A job
A drivers license
A social security card
Welfare
Food stamps
Credit cards
Subsidised rent or a loan to buy a house
Free education
Free health care
And in many instances you can vote



Does that make sense to you??????

Not really a joke more a statement so probably in the wrong thread.

its called satire and is in the right thread

[Peter_]

Originally Posted by zing

its called satire and is in the right thread

The is probably more truth than satire in that though.

[Welshchris]

Confucius say:
Man who runs in front of truck gets tired.
Man who walks behind car gets exhausted.
Man standing on top of toilet is high on pot.
Man who lay head on railroad track to listen for train likely to get spelling headache.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Man who sneezes without tissue must take matters into own hands.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly finger

[TheNorm]

I once received a parrot as an early Christmas gift, but this parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently using only polite language, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, fed up, I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. In desperation I grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total silence. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for these transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

I was, frankly, stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

Just as I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird asked, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Welshchris]

2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.

American bloke says: "What you doin?"

"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."

The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."

[TheNorm]

TOMMY COOPER - COMIC GENIUS

1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common? ' 'It's not unusual'.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Ramrod]

Originally Posted by Moldova

Not really a joke more a statement so probably in the wrong thread.

Originally Posted by zing

its called satire and is in the right thread

Originally Posted by Moldova

The is probably more truth than satire in that though.

At least I provoked a reaction

[budwieser]

What did the scottish epileptic kid get for christmas?



A wee fit. (Wii fit)

Sorry if that offends anyone.

[Hurdy]

Originally Posted by budwieser

What did the scottish epileptic kid get for christmas?



A wee fit. (Wii fit)

Sorry if that offends anyone.

Why the addendum?