Jokes Thread

[Sox]

Rod and Todd were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara Falls.Over drinks one night,Rod bet Todd $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope.After a very scary trip Todd managed to carry him safely at the far end and Rod handed over the $500."Pity," said Rod, "When you wobbled half way across I was sure I had won."

[willie]

Creative puns for smart minds


1. The roundest knight at King Arthurs Round Table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher b acked into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, itll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here, I'll go on a head.

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, Keep off the Grass.

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, No change yet.

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21 A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy, its your vote that counts. In feudalism, its your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Dont join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

[bw41101]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and five litres of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said as he rearranged everything and then proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your wicked way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, five litres of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Si thee

[Sox]

Danny walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks drunk,Danny started to leave.
'Excuse me,' Said the landlord,who was puzzled over what Danny had done. 'What was that all about?'
'Nothing,' said Danny,'My wife just sent me for a jar of olives.'

[Sox]

Judge - Is this the first time you've been up before me ?

Defendant - I don't know,your Honour,what time do you usually get up?

---------- Post added at 11:33 ---------- Previous post was at 11:32 ----------

[jadelee]

As there is still much talking about MJ i wish to share with you a joke i have recently heard about him:

- What does King of Pop mean?
- Pervert on pills...

[Sox]

I came home from the pub last night and said to the wife,there is a rumour going round that our milkman has slept with every woman in this street apart from one.I bet it's that snooty cow at number 21 she replied.

[Sox]

This is the story of four people named Everybody,Somebody,Anybody,and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it.Anybody could have done it,but Nobody did it.Somebody got angry about that,because it was Everybody's job.Everybody thought Anybody could do it,but Nobody realized Everybody wouldn't do it.Consequently,it wound up that Nobody told Anybody,so Everybody blamed Somebody.

I once do a man called Eenus and thats where good taste ends lol lol

[bw41101]

A young woman took her dad (84) to the mall to to buy some new shoes.

As they were feeling hungry, they decided to grab a bite at the cafeteria.

She noticed her dad was watching a teenager sitting near to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, purple, yellow and blue.

Her dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would glance over and notice him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing her Dad, the daughter quickly swallowed her food so that she would not choke on her dad's response.

And in classic style he did not disappoint her with his response:

'Sure did, got stoned once on LSD and scr***d a dude's peacock at a posh gig - I was just wondering if you might by my son.'



Si thee

[danielf]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

[Turkey Machine]

Originally Posted by danielf

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says "You're all idiots", and pours two beers.

LOL, very good!

[frogstamper]

Originally Posted by zing

I once do a man called Eenus and thats where good taste ends lol lol

I seem to remember a character in "The Dukes of Hazard" called Eenus, he was one of two deputy sheriff's, but even more amusing was his partners name...Cleetus.
Those southern families certainly have some strange names.

It was Enos and Cletus.