Jokes Thread

[Mick Fisher]

I like

[TheDaddy]

Apparently this is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine .

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To swear at staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

[altis]

Oh no it isn't:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/palisades.asp

[Stuart]

Originally Posted by altis

Brian Eno composed the Windows 95 startup theme.................... on a Mac!

http://odeo.com/episodes/151957

Strange but true.

Not entirely impossible. I've been told they used to design prototype interfaces using Macromedia Director.

---------- Post added at 15:31 ---------- Previous post was at 15:28 ----------

Originally Posted by altis

Oh no it isn't:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/iftrue/palisades.asp

It's not impossible though. Someone changed one of NTL's IVR systems to tell customers to **** off..

I can't put a link but if you search The Register for NTL and the word in question, you'll find it..

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Stuart C

It's not impossible though. Someone changed one of NTL's IVR systems to tell customers to **** off.

Especially as the staff actually concocted the message and even voted on its sentiments....

[altis]

Originally Posted by Stuart C

Not entirely impossible.

The man himself was on The Museum of Everything on Radio 4 last week and that's what he said he did.

[bw41101]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "My goodness look at your tomatoes, Tell me what do you do to get them so red?" The gentleman responded, "that's easy, well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato patch naked under my trench coat, I then open it and and give them a flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was impressed - though a bit sceptical. So she thanked the gentleman, said goodbye and went on her way. Later that day she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in front of her garden hoping for the best.

One day the same gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "Oh hello, you're the lady who enquired about the colour of my tomatoes. I'm intrigued, how did you make out, did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, unfortunately not - mind you though my cucumbers have tripled in size."

[Druchii]

Two men walk into a bar...

They said "Ow!"

[bw41101]

Beware of an E Mail which has recently appeared (allegedly) from the Department of Health, informing people not to eat tinned pork due to a high risk of contracting swine influenza.

Those who do receive said E mail are to ignore same and treat it a spam!

Ayethangyouuuuu!

[TheDaddy]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa



A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie



At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.



That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[bw41101]

A good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
The guy promptly 'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my forefathers by changing my name - Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir let me give you some free advice - I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go anywhere with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name, so determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

However, after I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were absolutely correct - I had to change my name.

As I had too much pride to return to your office, I signed with another agent. Thinking back there's no way that I would ever have made it without taking your advice, so please accept the enclosed cheque as a token of my appreciation for the advice you freely gave to me that day.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Guess it worked for him, sigh.............................................. !


Si thee

[TheDaddy]

PONDERISMS


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If itcomes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there? I'm going to eat the next thing that comes out of its butt.'

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[bw41101]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE....... it's all in a point of view !!!!!

Barbara Walters (of 20/20 magazine), wrote a story on gender roles in Kabul Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She had observed that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands - a custom that the women of that country were challenging - saying that the custom was antiquated and demeaning.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that nothing had changed - women still walk behind their husbands and despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women were happy to and vigorously maintain this old custom.

Ms. Walters (intrigued by this) approached a group of Afghani women and asked, "Can I ask why you are still happy to continue with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change"?

With this, the women all replied together - without hesitation and proclaimed:

"Land Mines".

Quicker and more efficient than divorce I reckon.

Si thee

[Turkey Machine]

Lmao!