Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by Turkey Machine

Those buzzwords are all fantastic!!!

/me keeps.

You're welcome - by the way which one of us are you talking to?

Si thee

[Turkey Machine]

You sir, you posted it I believe!

[TheDaddy]

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Queen Elizabeth
and

Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them
gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these,
they're the most
perfect breasts

God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day,
for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks
Her Majesty the same question.
The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel
says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a
toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

beats a Pair -


no matter how big they are.

[bw41101]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary 's apartment, when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys someone got to go tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws and Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet! Oi'll tell yee, Oi'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name - so it is! Leave it to me!.

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Oim very sorry to be telling you this Mr's Murphy, but your husband just lost £500 playing cards, and is afraid to come home.'

'What! you go tell that miserable waste of space to go and drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'Oi will, oi will, oi wll, yes oi will - I'll go tell him roit now.' says Gallagher.

Si thee

[TheDaddy]

The Hotel Bill.....



Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, They're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to
sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them
a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.00!

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.
'Well, they are here, and you could have,'
Explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain .. they could have
taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
'The best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies,
'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.


The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for
sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

[Peter_]

Yesterday I was at my local ASDA buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 4 stone before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. ASDA won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was helping her husband set up a new PC
When it asked for a password he typed "PENIS"
Wife fell off her chair when Windows replied
"Password rejected 'not long enough'

[Derek]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside of his station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

[Cobbydaler]

Girls are evil...

[Turkey Machine]

That's a brilliant piece of maths.

[bw41101]

Watch Your Participles

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him,and with a grip on his shoulder, warned:

"This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3.. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked:

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man replied "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' - But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked unexpectedly, "I noticed that you were counting - what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

OR ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!

[Mick Fisher]

Rofl!!

They come here.

Go on benefits on arrival

Get health care even before they arrive.

Get free housing

Don’t speak our language

Don’t eat our food.

Don’t wear our clothes.

Have their own special shops.

In 2007 (Latest available statistic) 690,000 arrived. Equivalent to two cities the size of COVENTRY.



They come here in unrestricted numbers but if you try to go where they came from you’ll find there are a multitude of restrictions and most applications are refused.
V
V
V
V
Immigrants?
V
V
V
V
V
V
V
V

No!
v
v
v
v
v
BABIES ! !

[bw41101]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'hey bud that smells fantastic - What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles - from the bull fight this morning - delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'what the heck - looks and smells to good to resist, go bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'Hey bud - these are absolutely delicious, but why they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders, gave out a long sigh..... and replied:

'Si, Senor, Sometimes de bull wins.

Si thee

[Mick Fisher]

Classic

[TheDaddy]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio.‏


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.' ,


2.New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'