Jokes Thread

[bw41101]

Originally Posted by Zeph

Spoiler: 

This is how to keep a old sucker busy for at least forty seconds flat

Party pooper...

[xpod]

Englishman & Welshman are walking through the country one day.....

The Englishman spys a heard of sheep in yonder field and says to the Welshman...."here,watch this" .....the Englishman then hops the fence,grabs a poor sheep by the back legs,sticks them in his wellies and proceeds to give the sheep a good ole seeing to.

The Welshman looks on in Amazement before finally asking the Englishman if he minded him having a go too.

"Dont be silly" the Englishman said......"be my guest"

So the Welshman dropped his trousers and bent over in front of the Englishman........."be gentle" he says.

[bw41101]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital (wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose), drifting in and out of conciousness after a prolonged surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vital signs from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. but that's not what I said, I asked:

A r e - m y - t e s t s - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

[pedantic]

Wife comes into bedroom, wearing saucy underwear, and says to her husband "do you want supersex ?" Husband replies "soup please luv"

[bw41101]

A very loud, fat, sweaty and unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Tesco’s with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Tesco’s. Nice children you've got there, are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl, "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe that someone could have actually sh***ed you twice!"

Si thee

[Barewolf]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her son
walked into the room in tears.
"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[cimt]

Ha ha, I've heard that before.

[Barewolf]

hehe, i got some really good ones but they are with pictures.

[Pedro1]

Poor dog lol...

[xpod]

Supermans flying around bored out of his skull so he starts around looking for something to do. He's cruising over Wonder Woman's house and sees that her bedroom window is open. He swoops down and has a look in the window only to see Wonder Woman lying there butt naked and squirming around,looking real hot.

Superman is quickly turned on watching her so he decides what the hell, I can fly in real quick, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows whats hit her. After all he is Superman. So, in he goes, wham-bam thank you mam and he's out of there again.

Wonder Woman knowing that something had happened said, "What was that?"

The invisible man says, "I don't know but, damn, is my ass sore."

[Xaccers]

Has anyone stopped to wonder what he was doing playing with himself infront of the dog! ewww.

The version I knew was 3 brothers, two passed it going to the toilet, the third farted and killed the cat. Poor kitty.

[bw41101]

Dan went to his appointment with the urologist. At the examining room he told the doctor, "now you mustn't laugh!" "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Dan said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

"It's swollen," Dan replied.

Sigh.............!

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”

“My dear,” the shrink said, “that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.”

“The problem is,” she complained, “it wakes me up!”

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Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

[Orior]

This one is for everyone who...

a) Had kids
b) Has kids
c) Is going to have kids
d) Knows a kid
e) Was a kid

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"



She replied, "What happened to my snot???"

[cimt]

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and
plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too
hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no,"
says Bob. "He's on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly
uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I
recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi, Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling
him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and
says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."