Jokes Thread

[Hom3r]

enjoy

[TheDaddy]

Heard this on the cricket of all places

A frog walks into a bank, he walks up to a cashier, he can see her name badge, it says Miss Paddywack, the frog introduces himself as Kermit Jagger and asks for a £30 000 loan, Miss Paddywack tells the frog that the bank don't normally lend money to frogs, Kermit tells her that his father is none other than mega rich pop star Mick Jagger, Miss Pandywack decides to patronize the frog by saying that he'd have to see the manager and it wont be considered without collateral, Kermit says he has collateral and produces a lovely ornate pyramid, which whilst very nice certainly isn't worth £30 000, however Miss Paddywack is flustered she goes into the managers office and tells him about the frog wanting to secure a loan against an ornament

The bank manager said: Its a nic nak paddywack give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone

[Orior]

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and Mick Jagger?

One says "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" while the other says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe"!

[cimt]

It's not funny but ok.

a hillbillys shaggin his sister n she starts laughin ..he says whats funny... she says you **** like dad...he says yeh thats what mam said

[Orior]

Originally Posted by cimt

It's not funny but ok.

a hillbillys shaggin his sister n she starts laughin ..he says whats funny... she says you **** like dad...he says yeh thats what mam said

Stop telling tales about the good people of Sunderland.

[lostandconfused]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."

[TheDaddy]

Why are tornados like a marriage?

To begin with there is a lot of blowing and sucking and in the end you lose your house

[Ramrod]

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this new girl passes them
going to the toilet.
Guy says "I think she's nice"
Guy's mate "well nip over and give her the patter"
Guy "the patter?"
Guy's mate "aye, the patter"
Guy "I don't know any patter, I've never found it easy to talk to
girls"
Guy's Mate "For f*ck's sake its easy all you have to say is "hello"
and she will say hello",
then you say "It's a nice day isn't it",
then she will say "Yes it is",
then you say " But not half as nice as you!",
then she will say "Oh thank you" then the patter will just flow."
Guy's Mate "Look there she coming back out, go on give it a go"
So nervously off he goes, re-running the patter in his head
He walks up and says "Hello"
She says "Hello"
He says "It's a nice day isn't it?"
She says "Yes it is"
He says "but not half as nice as you"
She says "Oh thank you"
Few seconds of uneasy silence..............


Then he says.................


"Been for a sh*te then?"

[cimt]

Originally Posted by Orior

Stop telling tales about the good people of Sunderland.

I thought that was Newcastle?

-------------------------

Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, " Do these chickens get any bigger?"

He replied, "No, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.

The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?" The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

And finally #5,

**Snappy answer of the year**

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-**** bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?� The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Orior]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[wigro]

A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, Decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.

There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ..

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes............


"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports as well"

I had just been to church, and was having a coffee afterwards in the church hall with two friends of mine, and the vicar came over for a chat. He had presided over a funeral the day before, and it was still on his mind.

He asked us: “When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?�

Andrew said: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.�

Jonathan commented: “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.�

I said: “I'd like them to say, ‘Look, he's moving!’Ãà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ�

[Ramrod]

How to repair DEAD hard drive!

If the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem it is really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive if you know what to do.
You will require #00 steel wool, paint thinner or gasoline, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.

Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with the paint thinner or gasoline. Bend the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #00 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those irritating "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any dirt you neglected to remove.

Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business.

[Paul K]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

How to repair DEAD hard drive!

If the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem it is really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive if you know what to do.
You will require #00 steel wool, paint thinner or gasoline, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.

Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with the paint thinner or gasoline. Bend the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #00 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those irritating "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any dirt you neglected to remove.

Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business.

And for the sake of people with comprehension issues like Paul H, please note that this is in the jokes section and is not meant as serious instruction...... but then again.......

---------- Post added at 21:50 ---------- Previous post was at 21:48 ----------

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

I'll get my coat

[MovedGoalPosts]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

How to repair DEAD hard drive!

If the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem it is really not too difficult to fix your own hard drive if you know what to do.
You will require #00 steel wool, paint thinner or gasoline, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench.

Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with the paint thinner or gasoline. Bend the read/write heads out of the way and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #00 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those irritating "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write head back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is a slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any dirt you neglected to remove.

Give the head and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business.

I wonder when Zingle last tried that

---------- Post added at 22:11 ---------- Previous post was at 22:11 ----------

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"