Jokes Thread

[Gareth]

Originally Posted by Ramrod

<snip>

Hahaha, very good... I'd rep you but I need to share some of the love around first
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The Laws of Project Management

• The same work under the same conditions will be estimated differently by ten different estimators or by one estimator at ten different times.
• Any project can be estimated accurately (once it's completed).
• The most valuable and least used word in a project manager's vocabulary is "NO".
• The most valuable and least used phrase in a project manager's vocabulary is "I don't know".
• Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
• You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
• At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
• If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.
• The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the “situateeà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�.
• If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably is a duck.
• It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
• Too few people on a project can't solve the problems - too many create more problems than they solve.
• A problem shared is a buck passed.
• A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would, anyway, melt when heat is applied.
• A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more.
• A user is somebody who tells you what they want the day you give them what they asked for.
• Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
• What you don't know hurts you.
• The conditions attached to a promise are forgotten, only the promise is remembered.
• There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
• I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
• Estimators do it in groups - bottom up and top down.
• Good estimators aren't modest: if it's huge they say so.
• The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
• Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
• If project content is allowed to change freely the rate of change will exceed the rate of progress.
• Change is inevitable - except from vending machines.
• The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
• Difficult projects are easy, impossible projects are difficult, miracles are a little trickier.
• If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
• The bitterness of poor quality lingers long after the sweetness of meeting the date is forgotten.
• If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but nevertheless really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
• What is not on paper has not been said.
• If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
• If you fail to plan you are planning to fail.
• If you don't attack the risks, the risks will attack you.
• A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
• The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
• A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
• If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
• When all's said and done a lot more is said than done.
• If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
• Never put off until tomorrow what you can leave until the day after.
• Feather and down are padding - changes and contingencies will be real events.
• There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
• The more you plan the luckier you get.

[Cobbydaler]

So bad, they're good....

[Paul K]

Chav girl goes into the Doctor's complaining of a weird green rash on her inner thighs.

Doctor takes one look and says "Tell your boyfriend his gold earrings are fake".

I'll get my coat

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by foreverwar

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.
A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

Eh ??

[Orior]

Well I think its quite funny! I like jokes that arent that obvious.

When a visitor to a small village in Yorkshire came upon a wild vicious dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.
A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read: Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.
The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that village.
"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, Yorkshire Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."
"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Manchester."
"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline should read, Manc Kills Family Pet."

---------- Post added at 14:32 ---------- Previous post was at 14:27 ----------

Originally Posted by foreverwar

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream."
Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working.

A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

Originally Posted by Druchii

Eh ??

the main proposition of Existentialism is that existence precedes essence, i.e. that a man exists before his existence has value or meaning. Therefore, for JPS to have coffee without something, that something has to exist - there is no cream, so he cannot have the coffee without cream; however, there is milk, so he can (in an existentialist way) have coffee without milk.

I hate having to explain jokes - especially philisophical ones

[Lord Nikon]

A speed cop pulls a guy over for speeding, asks for his licence and says..

"Ah, Mr Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?"

The guy says "No, but I can tell you exactly where I am" lol

[Gareth]

An oldie...

Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sat at home twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly the phone ring and Sean answers it. It's his agent and Sean gets very excited. The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10-ish."

Sean frowns and replies, "Tennish? But I haven't even got a racket."

There was a boy who worked in the fresh food section of a supermarket. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager.

He walked into the back room and said, "There is some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the request and the man went on his way.
Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"
The boy replied, "Wigan, sir."
"Oh, really? Why did you leave Wigan?" inquired the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and rugby players up there."

"My wife is from Wigan", exclaimed the manager.

The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

[wigro]

Two monkeys in a bath , one said , ooo ooo aaa aaa , the other said put some more cold in then.

Daddy's on the Phone!

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . "What swimming pool?... Is this 486-5731?"

The old ones are always the best.

[Gareth]

At a nudist colony for intellectuals, two old men are sitting on a porch. One turns to the other and says: “I say old boy, have you read Marx?” The other says “Yes, it’s these wicker chairs”

wah wah wah - itsh the way I tell them!

Good one.