15-10-2005, 11:57
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#301
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Age: 44
Posts: 14,750
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Got sent this by (an obviously well-raised) girl  Some of it is old but some are new and very funny...
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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17-10-2005, 17:40
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#302
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Top 9 comments made by NBC at the Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
- Weightlifting commentator: †œThis is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Dressage commentator: †œThis is a really lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Paul Hamm, Gymnast: †œI owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and farther.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Boxing Analyst: †œSure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Softball Announcer: †œIf history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Basketball analyst: †œHe dribbles a lot and the opposition doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- At the rowing medal ceremony: †œAh, isnââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Soccer commentator: †œJulian Dicks is everywhere. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s like theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve got eleven Dicks on the field.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
- Tennis Commentator: †œOne of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses themââ‚ ¬Ã‚¦Oh my God, what have I just said?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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17-10-2005, 17:46
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#303
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Inactive
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back in England, but not for long...
Services: Weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs
Posts: 3,422
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
There was also the comment about Alberto Juantorena, the famous Cuban runner:
"...as he opens his legs and shows his class..."
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17-10-2005, 19:49
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#304
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal
The following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials, and in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. †œNow doctor, isnââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t know about it until the next morning?ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
2. †œThe youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â
3. †œWere you present when your picture was taken?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
4. †œWere you alone or by yourself?ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂ
5. †œWas it you our your younger brother who was killed in the war?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
6. †œDid he kill you?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
7. †œHow far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?ââ ¬ÂÂÂ
8. †œYou were there until the time you left, is that true?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
9. †œHow many times have you committed suicide?ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
10. Q: †œSo the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œYes.⠃¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œAnd what were you doing at the time?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
11. Q: †œShe had three children, right?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œYes.⠃¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œHow many were boys?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œNone.â €ÂÂÂ
Q: †œHow many were girls?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
12. Q: †œYou say the stairs went down to the basement?ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂ
A: †œYes.⠃¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œAnd these stairs, did they go up also?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
13. Q: †œMr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t you?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œI went to Europe, Sir.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œAnd you took your new wife?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
14. Q: †œHow was your first marriage terminated?ââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œBy death.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œAnd by whoââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s death was it terminated?ââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
15. Q: Can you describe the individual?ââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œHe was about medium height and had a beard.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œWas this a male, or a female?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
16. Q: †œIs your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂ
A: †œNo, this is how I dress when I go to work.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
17. Q: †œDoctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œAll my autopsies are preformed on dead people.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
18. Q: †œAll your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â
A: †œOral.â €ÂÂÂ
19. Q: †œDo you recall the time you examined the body?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œAnd Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œNo, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
20. Q: †œYou were not shot in the fracas?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œNo, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
21. Q: †œAre you qualified to give a urine sample?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œI have been since early childhood.ââ ¬ÂÂÂ
22. Q: †œDoctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œDid you check for blood pressure?ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂ
A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œDid you check for breathing?ââ ¬ÂÂÂ
A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œSo, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œNo.âà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œHow can you be sure, doctor?ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ
A: †œBecause his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
Q: †œBut could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?â↚¬ÂÂÂ
A: †œIt is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.ââ ¬ÂÂÂ
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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17-10-2005, 22:44
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#305
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
I'll get my coat ready
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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18-10-2005, 22:38
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#306
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Inactive
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Back in England, but not for long...
Services: Weddings, christenings, barmitzvahs
Posts: 3,422
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Why did the ant stop climbing up the elephant's leg?
It got p***ed off...
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19-10-2005, 12:24
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#307
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
What the diffetence between a Durex & a coffin?
ONE you come in one you go in.
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What do Durex & coffins have in common?
Both have stiffs in
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Why did the Durex fly across the room?
It was p***ed off.
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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19-10-2005, 18:33
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#308
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cf.mega poster
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Peterborough
Posts: 5,106
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
A bald dog get onto a bus in Liverpool and goes straight to the back of the bus and sits down.
The bus driver shouts "Hey, wheres your fur mate?"
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25-10-2005, 02:26
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#309
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Inactive
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
woke up this morning thinking i had that bird flu........................i just felt a little peckish
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25-10-2005, 09:18
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#310
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17 years same company
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Expanding Town with crap roads
Age: 66
Services: ? BB, basic phone. Share of Disney+
Posts: 7,674
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Quote:
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Originally Posted by big J
woke up this morning thinking i had that bird flu........................i just felt a little peckish
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  Nice 1st post!
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25-10-2005, 20:13
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#311
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Inactive
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
thank you very much
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25-10-2005, 21:25
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#312
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Eva Longoria Fan
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Essex
Age: 37
Services: Sky multiroom (Sky Q)
Sky Fibre Unlimited
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Posts: 8,851
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Why couldnt the 11yr old boy get into the Pirate Movie?
Because it was rated arrrrr
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26-10-2005, 12:48
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#313
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Inactive
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Fleet, Hampshire
Age: 53
Services: VIP50, TiVo
Posts: 2,869
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
The Football Association, which is building the new Wembley Stadium has announced a five-year sponsorship deal with Microsoft. It is believed to be worth £5m.
The new Wembley Stadium opens next year around the same time as Windows Vista. It is, of course, well known for being notoriously late, over budget and subject to much wrangling over the design. The new Wembley Stadium has had its problems too.
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26-10-2005, 13:22
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#314
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Mum 30/09/20 Dad 08/08/24
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 56
Services: 2 x TiVo 360s, SH5. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 17,257
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when the first one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'
The second nun said, 'I've found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condoms, and put the cigarette butts in, roll it up and dispose of it later.;
The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
'You get them at the chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'
The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.
'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'What can I do for you today?'
'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.
The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'
'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.
the pharmacist was truley flabbergasted by this time was almost afraid to ask more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.
'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large and the big liar size.'
The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certian, perhaps you could recommend a good size for Camel?' 
(FYI CAmel is a brand of cigarette)
__________________
I'm a Trustee & Secretary for a local charity
STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th.
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28-10-2005, 06:34
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#315
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Guest
Location: Sutton in Ashfield.
Services: Virgin, phone and 50meg Broadband.
Posts: n/a
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Re: [Merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
Politically incorrect but so true!!!
Mujibar was trying to get into Britain legally through Immigration.
The Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it you cannot enter Britain."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am
ready."
The Officer said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, green, and I pink
it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.
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