Jokes Thread - Page 18

MovedGoalPosts · 18-09-2005, 02:44

My diversion tactics failed then

Yes I'm still confused and don't understand the seven joke

18-09-2005, 11:10

Some of Life's Important Questions

1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?

8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10 What is the speed of darkness?

11 Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?

12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?

16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

18 Can you cry under water?

19 What level of importance must a person have , before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases ?

23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?

24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

26 Why do doctors, when they ask you to strip, leave the room or close the cubicle curtain while you change? ..... They're still going to see you naked anyway

Angua · 18-09-2005, 11:16

27. How can two single people have an affaire with each other?

marky · 18-09-2005, 11:22

13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? = -8.88 c
is this a quiz?

Angua · 18-09-2005, 19:25

What do you call a skunk with
a banana in one ear,
a sponge finger in the other ear
and a jelly on it's head?..................

A trifle smelly!

me283 · 19-09-2005, 10:47

Why can't you get aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all... (Paracetamol - geddit?)

me283 · 19-09-2005, 14:24

OK, here is a really corny joke for anyone that wants a good old cringe.

The top salesman in England for Kawasaki was visiting a customer one day when he had a terrible attack of flatulence. On it's own this was bad enough, but every time the poor chap released a botty burp, the noise that emanated was a loud "HONDA!!!"

Over the following weeks it got worse, in spite of him visiting many doctors and specialists. It seems no end of diets, pills, treatment for nerves etc would help, and to make matters worse he would float his air biscuits in the most embarassing of surroundings, but most notably in front of customers.

As a last resort he opted for traditional Chinese medicine. The wizened old doctor gave him a good look over, but paid particular attention to his teeth. Eventually, he sent the chap to a dentist, where he had treatment for a badly infected gum. Bemused, the man went home, and after a few days the problem had miraculously disappeared. Amazing!! He tried everything: beans, curry, pickled egges, but from now on the noise was nothing like the name of his company's rival.

Full of gratitude, but also curiosity, he returned to the Chinese doctor and asked what had prompted him to recommend a dentist. The old man looked at him and said: "Everyone knows...

(Adopt bad Chinese accent)

...abcess makes the fart go HONDA!!"

Roy MM · 19-09-2005, 14:28

Quote:

Originally Posted by me283

...abcess makes the fart go HONDA!!"

Now that's cringeworthy

Orior · 19-09-2005, 16:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by me283

OK, here is a really corny joke for anyone that wants a good old cringe.

The top salesman in England for Kawasaki was visiting a customer one day when he had a terrible attack of flatulence. On it's own this was bad enough, but every time the poor chap released a botty burp, the noise that emanated was a loud "HONDA!!!"

Over the following weeks it got worse, in spite of him visiting many doctors and specialists. It seems no end of diets, pills, treatment for nerves etc would help, and to make matters worse he would float his air biscuits in the most embarassing of surroundings, but most notably in front of customers.

As a last resort he opted for traditional Chinese medicine. The wizened old doctor gave him a good look over, but paid particular attention to his teeth. Eventually, he sent the chap to a dentist, where he had treatment for a badly infected gum. Bemused, the man went home, and after a few days the problem had miraculously disappeared. Amazing!! He tried everything: beans, curry, pickled egges, but from now on the noise was nothing like the name of his company's rival.

Full of gratitude, but also curiosity, he returned to the Chinese doctor and asked what had prompted him to recommend a dentist. The old man looked at him and said: "Everyone knows...

(Adopt bad Chinese accent)

...abcess makes the fart go HONDA!!"

Interesting how this stuff gets past the moderator, and other stuff does not.

Its like asking why is Harrow outside London Heathrow is so full of Chinese. Because when they get off the plane and hop in a taxi the first thing they say to the driver is "Harrow!"

AndrewJ · 19-09-2005, 17:30

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a
prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!

me283 · 19-09-2005, 17:38

I heard a good comeback line about a guy who answered the door to the TV licence people. He wouldn't let them in, and kept on denying he had a TV anyway. The licence inspector then pointed out that the man had a TV aerial on his chimney, to which the guy replied: "Yes, and I've got a pint of milk in the fridge, but it doesn't mean I've got a cow in the back garden!"

Chimaera · 20-09-2005, 18:47

The Four Cats !

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Local Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was really good.
Then the three men turned to the Local Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Local Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break,do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, peed on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for compensation, and went home for the rest of the month on sick leave.

Hom3r · 20-09-2005, 22:06

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rob C

My diversion tactics failed then

Yes I'm still confused and don't understand the seven joke

Thats the point if you don't understand it you are the idiot

--------------------------------
How do you confuse and Irish man
1. Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
or 2. Show him a shovel & a spade and tell him to take his pick.

Orior · 20-09-2005, 22:13

Quote:

Originally Posted by david.ewles

How do you confuse and Irish man
1. Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
or 2. Show him a shovel & a spade and tell him to take his pick.

Shocking!

By the way do you Anglos actually know the difference between a shovel and a spade?

Angua · 20-09-2005, 23:13

I always thought one had a long shaped handle and a heart shaped "digging" part and the other has a shorter handle with a D shaped end and a flattened rectangular "digging" part.

However if you google (images) for shovel or spade you will get both sorts