Jokes Thread

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Hugh

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Jane ate her friend's sandwich

or

Jand ate her friend's colon

With some fava beans and a nice chianti

[Taf]

"T shirt" is the abbreviated form of "Tyrannosaurus shirt" due to the short arms.

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by Hugh

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Can't fault your spelling or counting

[heero_yuy]

You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.

What colour is the bear?

Spoiler: 

White. The only place the house can be is at the North pole

[newapollo]

Originally Posted by Hugh

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Yes, "it" has two letters

[TheDaddy]

Originally Posted by heero_yuy

You are in a house where every window all round has a Southerly aspect.

What colour is the bear?

Spoiler: 

White. The only place the house can be is at the North pole

White, that question was in my exam preparation test during teacher training, I got it and a shockingly high number of people responsible for our children's education didn't

[Hom3r]

Ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Hom3r]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for.. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk …

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

I was looking at a jacket in a shop this morning, and the sales assistant asked if I wanted to try it on. So I told her she had beautiful eyes.

@MrBonMot

[TheDaddy]

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford go into an Irish bar

Oh no not yew tree again says the barman

[alanbjames]

Originally Posted by TheDaddy

Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall and Max Clifford go into an Irish bar

Oh no not yew tree again says the barman

Not only is this just bad, its wrong on so many levels.

[Carth]

Originally Posted by alanbjames

Not only is this just bad, its wrong on so many levels.

Oh . . it made me chuckle, there again I'm lucky to be 'old school' with a sense of humour that hasn't faded in the wash

[alanbjames]

I have a sense of humour just not about such things as sexual predators.

[OLD BOY]

Originally Posted by alanbjames

I have a sense of humour just not about such things as sexual predators.

We didn’t much like Hitler either, but there were plenty of jokes made about him.

Please let’s not let this wokery get in the way of humour.