Jokes Thread

[Cobbydaler]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head, no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head, no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[heero_yuy]

Today's little gem is courtesy of Jane Moore's column in the Sun:

Pig organs could soon be put into humans, a report said this week. A welcome change, one feels, from the recent headlines about a human organ being put into a pig

[Kymmy]

A London-based drone enthusiast is to sue Heathrow airport for flying a passenger jet right through his toy.

Simon Williams, 35, said the drone was his pride and joy, and the best eight-hundred pounds he’d ever spent, until a British Airways Airbus A320 flew directly through it, reducing it to worthless garbage.
He told us, “I was just flying my drone like I always do, not filming anything I shouldn’t or looking in bedroom windows or anything, just normal drone stuff, you know.

“Then all of a sudden this airliner arrives out of nowhere and flies right into me. No indication, it didn’t try to avoid me and I’m pretty sure it was going way too fast.

“It didn’t even stop afterwards to swap insurance details. It’s pilots like that the give the rest of us sky users a bad reputation.”

Williams explained he’s sought compensation from British Airways, but they refused to accept the blame or name the pilot.

He went on, “They said that as a large organisation, their planes are used by lots of pilots, so they can’t be 100% sure who was flying at the time.

“They don’t seem to care that I’m going to lose my no claims discount. The *******s.”

However aviation consultant Jacob Matthews told us, “The only people who fly drones in public areas are voyeuristic nutjobs.

“Remember that weird kid at school who built his own remote control car and made the noises himself whilst he drove it? This is just him, but with better technology

[alanbjames]

I had the police here earlier, the officer said "we have had reports of your dog chasing a man on a bike".

I told him to bog off, my dog doesn't own a bike!

[TheDaddy]

A lady weightlifter goes to the doctor

"I've been taking steroids for a long time and now I've grown a penis"

"Anabolic" says the doctor

"No just the penis"

[Hom3r]

Since Storm Dennis started my girlfriend hasn't stopped looking through the window...


If it get any worse I will have to let her in

Gary Delaney joke on Twitter today - took me a while to get it...

The reason there’s never been a Rolling Stones musical is that it’s so hard to finding a casting director without sin.

[pip08456]

DISNEYLAND

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



FLORIDA OR MOON

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????’



CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, 'What's the story?’ He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor’ She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?’



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!’



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me. 'The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you’ Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.’ 'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.’



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!’ 'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!’



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!’ The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!’ The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!’



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?’



FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that' 'HELLLOOOOOOO. . .. ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs.'

[Mad Max]

Bad news for dyslexics on 28th October - your cocks go black.

[Mad Max]

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called Countdown?”

[TheDaddy]

I urge you under no circumstances to spell part backwards

It's a trap

[Julian]

I told a girl in the office yesterday that she was painting her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

[Hom3r]

I got a book on superglue, I can't put it down