Jokes Thread

[carlwaring]

Another reason I wish I could drive

[Gary L]

P.P.S. don't put any money in the wallets.
P.P.P.S. don't get greedy, and give somebody else a go.

---------- Post added at 21:25 ---------- Previous post was at 21:24 ----------

Originally Posted by carlwaring

Another reason I wish I could drive

There's other scams where you don't need to own a car. but you do need money

[thenry]

Lib Dems demand national recount of their votes to see if it's really worth bothering any more.

[Tinky]

Little boy asks his grandad if he can make a sound like a frog, the grandad puzzled says 'yes for you pal anything why?' little boy 'well Dad says when you croak we can go to Disneyland'. Daddum

[alanbjames]

I made a joke about the Gaza strip earlier, but it Israeli inappropriate.

[1701-e]

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

[Jimmy-J]

Originally Posted by 1701-e

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BLIHBULGT?

senevn?

[craigj2k12]

Mod edit - removed. Please remember the "family friendly" criteria of this site.

[MalteseFalcon]

Poor old Di Matteo. Sacked this morning, got home at lunchtime and found John Terry leaving the house.

[1701-e]

I was trying to work out roughly how long it would take to watch a season of 24. In the end I had to call it a day.

---------- Post added at 13:25 ---------- Previous post was at 12:42 ----------

Lost: Pitbull with three legs.
Answers to the name of Kevin.
Family distraught.
Legs belong to wife and eldest daughter.

[Tinky]

Scottish NHS

David Cameron is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness.

He greets one and the patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Cameron is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused he just grins and moves onto the next patient, who
immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now very troubled, Cameron turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[MalteseFalcon]

A woman's favourite 3 words: I love you.

A man's favourite 3 words: While you're up.

[Kymmy]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2013/02/1...ple-in-stores/

LOL

[MalteseFalcon]

Totally wouldn't surprise me that wouldn't. I can just imagine some posh people moaning about having to queue with the chavs and layabouts in Waitrose. I am not posh or rich, yet shop every now and then in Waitrose. Never had a snooty look in the 10 times I have been in there though.

[Russ]

You know you're Welsh, if you can say yes to any three of the following.

1.You know at least 10 "Dais"

2.You have to explain what "togs" are and more importantly what "daps" are

3.You've suddenly realised that you are 10p short for the Severn bridge

4."Fin hoffi coffi" does not mean fluency in Welsh

5.You've bumped into someone you know on your holidays in the Costa del sol

6.Conversations with Indian call centre workers do not end well

7.You support any team that plays against England

8.You know at least one person who claims they were in school with either Charlotte Church, Katherine Jenkins, Ioan Gryffudd or Catherine Zeta-Jones

9.You wince when you see a Welsh person making a **** of themselves on TV and they usually have the strongest Welsh accent ever

10.That coat is indeed my jacket

11.You raise a small cheer when you see the "Croeso I Gymru" on the M4 or Welcome to Wales as you come down the hill from Ross into Monmouth.

12.You're a fluent Welsh speaker but turn the pamphlet/leaflet over and read the English version

13.You last name is one of the following: Williams, Gwynne, Bevan, Llewellyn, Morgan, Rees, Powell, Howell, Davies, Lewis, Thomas, Jones, Griffiths, Morris, Evans, James, Roberts, Jenkins, Owen or Ap Windsor

14.When you go abroad you have to explain to people where Wales is, and that it is not part of England

15.You can name all the celebrities that have any connection to Wales

16.You own a Stereophonics CD

17.Hugh Pugh, Max Boyce and Derek the Weatherman are all TV personalities you recognize

18.You know who exactly Aneurin Bevan is and what exactly he is famous for

19.A village/town 3 miles away is described locally as being just around the corner or just down the road

20.You don't know the surnames of any of you friends, you refer to them instead as Dai the Milk, Will the shop, Ron Top Road, or Mark Ty-Draw

21.You remember watching Ivor the Engine, Will Quack Quack, Sam Tan and Super Ted

22.A butty is your mate not a sandwich

23.The word "Never" is used on a daily basis and everything "does my head in"

24.You've used the phrase "I'll be there now in a minute" on several occasions

25.Proper, Cwtch, Tidy, Potch, Dap, and Courting are daily used phrases