Jokes Thread

[Spiritinthesky]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Vieil Homme]

Memory was something you lost with age
An Application was for employment
A programe was a TV Show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was on a piano
A web was a spiders home
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
A virus was the flue
A hard drive was a long trip
A CD was something to do with banking

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy you just hoped nobody found out

[Kymmy]

Must be why in some countries they are called stiffies

I remember eight inch floppies....

[Vieil Homme]

Moving about floppys....... No I cant say that

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by Hugh

I remember eight inch floppies....

How many bytes?

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Must be why in some countries they are called stiffies

Many years ago, a South African IT consultant walked into our office and asked if anyone had a stiffy.

[Vieil Homme]

[QUOTE=TheNorm; Many years ago, a South African IT consultant walked into our office and asked if anyone had a stiffy.[/QUOTE]

So what was your reply with your stiff upper lip??

[Kymmy]

Originally Posted by TheNorm

Many years ago, a South African IT consultant walked into our office and asked if anyone had a stiffy.

Yep, 5.25 and 8 inch disks were floppies and 3.5 inch because of their hard casing were stiffies..

Kinda put makes the joke a bit benign

[TheNorm]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Yep, 5.25 and 8 inch disks were floppies and 3.5 inch because of their hard casing were stiffies...

So, a floppy becomes a stiffy when it's wrapped in plastic.

[Kymmy]

Only hard plastic

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by TheNorm

How many bytes?

Depend on how big your mouth is.

[Vieil Homme]

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

[willie]

Aphorisms

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

When blondes have more fun,do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.


LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES.....USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green, then he turns yellow and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

[Spiritinthesky]

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A gorgeous redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!� says the doctor. “Show me.�

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You're not really a redhead, are you?�

“Well, no,� she said, “I'm actually a blonde.�

“I thought so,� the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.�