Jokes Thread

[Kymmy]

Can I remind members that if they believe a post is spam then please report it, arguing in a public forum is not going to resolve anything

[Welshchris]

Sorry Kymmy my fault :-) and heres another joke..

How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony? Its Not Hard....

[bw41101]

Who said there were no good story’s in the newspaper anymore!

headline.jpg

PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.

The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager Jack Smith told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday stuffing a laptop under his jacket at the store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled out a knife and ran toward the door. Straight into four SAS Troopers who were outside collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Troopers managed to restrain the man, but in the struggle he stabbed one of them, in the back - which upon later inspection by a paramedic turned out not to be too severe.

The suspect was then transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw... Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.

When questioned by the police regarding the state of his injuries, the spokesman for the Troopers commented, "He was just a clumsy b*****d."

Si thee

[Julian]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you
found Jesus?'


The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Ramrod]

Just saw a AA van in the traffic outside, the bloke driving it was crying.
.............I think he's on his way to a breakdown.

[Welshchris]

I had dinner at a classy restaurant last night and chose liquidised rosemary and sage as the starter.

It was absolutely soup herb.

[Welshchris]

Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mount Everest?

They ran out of scaffolding...

[Sasha222]

[carlwaring]

Two parrots sat on a Perch. One turns to the other and say...


"Can you smell fish?"

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by carlwaring

Two parrots sat on a Perch. One turns to the other and say...


"Can you smell fish?"

You're weird.

[Welshchris]

Took my wife to a posh French Restaurant last night

The waiter asked,"Have you ever tried frog?"

I said, "I've had a Freddo."

---------- Post added at 15:44 ---------- Previous post was at 15:37 ----------

I've just started a band called 999 megabytes..

We havn't done a gig yet :-x

[TheNorm]

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.



Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

[Welshchris]

Did you hear the joke about the wall?

You'll never get over it.

---------- Post added at 14:19 ---------- Previous post was at 14:14 ----------

I beat the wife at a game of Scrabble, so she started throwing words at me that begin with TH.

I managed to dodge this, there, and then, but I didn't see that coming.

[carlwaring]

Nice ones, Chris!

[carlwaring]

What's the difference between a Weasel and a Stoat?

A Weasel is weasely recognised but a Stoat is stoataly different.