Jokes Thread - Page 82

bw41101 · 24-01-2009, 15:35

HILLBILLY DAYVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer said, 'I'm wantin to get one of them there dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer said, 'Yup, I got 40 acres down by the crick'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, You don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yeah, I got a Suit, I wears it to church on Sundays and speshl cassiuns.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, Do you have a case?'

The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got no Case, but I got a John Deere, which I use for plowin and stuff.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer Said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John Deere when I aint usin it'

The lawyer Said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer said, 'No, we Both get up at 4:30 am evry mornin without fail.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'

The farmer said, 'No, she aint, she's a injun gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a Dayvorce.

Si thee

Noggo · 26-01-2009, 18:20

Had this one emailed to me over the weekend. Funny!
(Looks better in outlook as the text gets bigger and bigger as it goes on)

`Best PMT Question Ever'

Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light
bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry.
What was the question?

multiskilled · 31-01-2009, 12:37

According to my wife that's right, and who am I to disagree.

11-02-2009, 19:24

An Old One - slightly updated

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATIC
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws
the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AN INVESTMENT BANK
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights
of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving
you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your
bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to
have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine
productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have
none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the s** out of you and
invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have 1 Cow, she runs the HSE!

Kymmy · 11-02-2009, 19:58

Probably NOT true, but funny all the same

> Drink Driving... THIS is absolutely brilliant! Only an Aussie could
> pull this one off! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland. Recently
> a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
> Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
> intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car
> park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what
> seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man
> managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few
> minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
> Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
> fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the
> horn and then switched on the lights.He moved the vehicle forward a
> few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few
> more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the
> car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police
> officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the
> patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
> and carried out a random breathalyser test.To his amazement the
> breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.The
> Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
> Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt
> it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

altis · 12-02-2009, 14:39

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 'Well,' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

bw41101 · 13-02-2009, 19:14

DIVORCE V MURDER:

A respectable looking lady enters the chemist, walks up to the pharmacist, looks straight into his eyes, and says, 'Excuse me, but I would like to purchase some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replies, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist turns a shade of white as he exclaims, "give you cyanide to kill your husband? - you're having a larf - firstly it's against the law! secondly I'll lose my license and thirdly they'll throw both of us in jail! and all kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

With that, the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Oh I see - please accept my apologies - I didn't realise that you had a prescription".

Sigh..................................!

Si thee

danielf · 13-02-2009, 19:30

Q: Where does the light go when it gets dark at night?

A: Have a look in the fridge...

xpod · 13-02-2009, 20:10

whats big,bad,purple and eats people..............

The big bad purple people eater of course.

bw41101 · 14-02-2009, 14:53

Quote:

Originally Posted by xpod

whats big,bad,purple and eats people..............

The big bad purple people eater of course.

Sigh.............................................. .............................!

Derek · 20-02-2009, 10:50

Alfie Patten has joined Fathers4Justice.

A spokesman said that he may not understand politics yet, but he already owns his own spiderman costume.

iadom · 26-02-2009, 12:05

A Psalm for today.

GORDON BROWN IS MY SHEPHERD, I SHALL NOT WORK.
HE LEADETH ME BESIDE THE STILL FACTORIES.
HE RESTORETH MY FAITH IN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
HE GUIDETH ME IN THE PATH OF UNEMPLOYMENT.
YEA, THOUGH I WAIT FOR MY DOLE,
I OWN THE BANK THAT REFUSES ME.
BROWN HAS ANNOINTED MY INCOME WITH TAXES,
MY EXPENSES RUNNETH OVER MY INCOME,
SURELY, POVERTY AND HARD LIVING WILL FOLLOW ME ALL THE
DAYS OF HIS TERM.
FROM HENCE FORTH WE WILL LIVE ALL THE DAYS
OF OUR LIVES IN A RENTED HOME WITH AN OVERSEAS LANDLORD.
I AM GLAD I AM BRITISH,
I AM GLAD I AM FREE.
BUT I WISH I WERE A DOG
AND BROWN WAS A TREE.

Dai · 27-02-2009, 19:53

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Mick Fisher · 28-02-2009, 03:26

28-02-2009, 12:50

Food for thought?

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Heathrow immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go'

The refugee claimant now got bolder

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Oxford with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, overlooking the river.

'One more wish,' said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like the British with British clothes instead of manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like the British.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, an Eagles T-shirt and a Billabong baseball cap.

He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon..

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.

'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sod all!.'

And she disappeared!