Jokes Thread

[Tightscot]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid & the other was eating fireworks.









They charged one & let the other one off.

[Druchii]

*groan*

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.


All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, asks him what the problem is and what does he mean.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

================================================== ========

Some tourists in the Natural History Museum are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

[Cobbydaler]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle.

They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,

"Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place."

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

Spoiler: 

Booger dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!

THERE'S MORE...

Moments later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.


"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Spoiler: 

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

IT'S NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.


Once more Paddy shakes his head.

Spoiler: 

Booger dat for a lark, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!

[Ramrod]

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and
spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips" And lo they gained 10
pounds.

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.

So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits



Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that? and Man replied Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... And created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service....

[Druchii]

That was great

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al- Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush immediately stated that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of maths instruction.

[bopdude]

Subject: Brave Men jokes


What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??



The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:



"You're next, fatty."



********************************



Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.



Man says: "This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a
headache."



Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."



Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."



********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.


He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London.

I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you
for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I
want to see how you live on £800 a year".



*********************************



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:



2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a
250g pack of bacon



As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.



While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."



The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.




She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.



Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

A neutron walked into a bar. Without hesitation the bartender pulled him a beer.

The neutron asked him "How much is that?"

"For you, no charge"



From this website for interesting people - http://www.dullmen.com/home.html

It also has "the dullest website in the world" on it
http://www.geocities.com/dunric/index.html - judge for yourself

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[TheDaddy]

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.

The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereasFerrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now has the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for. At the crews first practice session the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tires in under 6 seconds, but within 60 seconds they had re- sprayed, re- badged and sold the vehicle to the Mclaren team for 8 bottles of Stella; a kilo of speed, and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Caff]

Originally Posted by zinglebarb

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy"

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Hahahaaaaa - I love that joke. I was told another version of it by a Welshman years ago. It involved 3 men, who married triplets, trying to enter heaven and encountering St Peter. One man had married Betty, one had married Sherrie and the one who one who had married Fanny wasn't going to stick around to be insulted.

As Governor of Texas, George Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day.

While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around.

Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?"

Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses."

Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

[Orior]

Has anyone ever successfullly taught themselves to do without lunch?

I know a farmer who said he once taught a horse to do without food alltogether. He said it took a couple of years to teach it.

Unfortunately as soon as he'd taught it successfully to do without food, the horse died. Pity.

[Tech_Boy]

A Zen Buddist walks up to a hotdog stall & says " Make me One with everything"