Jokes Thread

[Chimaera]

What do John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?













A few screws in the wrong place and the whole f****** cabinet falls apart!

[Scrubbs]

Originally Posted by Chimaera

What do John Prescott and an MFI flatpack have in common?













A few screws in the wrong place and the whole f****** cabinet falls apart!

have a greeny

[Gareth]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years serving the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was late getting there, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the very first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE FOR A MEETING

[Gareth]

Apologies in advance for the following joke, which some will undoubtedly consider in poor taste, but here goes anyway...

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me screwed. Who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies, "Well, you could try Paul McCartney!"

Russian oil baron.......


Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit." Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.

---------- Post added at 21:05 ---------- Previous post was at 21:02 ----------

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

---------- Post added at 21:07 ---------- Previous post was at 21:05 ----------

Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the River Thames on a Saturday afternoon miles away from any radio or tv.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The Gunners have lost again."
The other man was flabbergasted and said "how in the name of god do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

[Druchii]

Great jokes there Especially loving the 1st

[handyman]

Daddy Calling Home
((RING))))
((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
** Brief Pause**
"Uh, okay then, .this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door,and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug,hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
**Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??"... Is this 486-5731??


---------- Post added at 14:26 ---------- Previous post was at 13:20 ----------

Originally Posted by Gareth

Apologies in advance for the following joke, which some will undoubtedly consider in poor taste, but here goes anyway...

A South African gold miner loses his leg in a mining accident and is sat in hospital talking to his mate.

"Well that's me screwed. Who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger?"

His mate replies, "Well, you could try Paul McCartney!"

Strictly speaking this should go in the funny pictures thread but....

An extract taken from a Court of Law.......

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure ?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing ?
A: No.
Q: So, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
A: No
Q: How can you be sure, Doctor ?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless ?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Derek]

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England the Department of Transport has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason as from the middle of May 2006 those drivers who are found to be driving badly which includes:

overtaking in dangerous places;
hovering within one inch of the car in front;
stopping sharply;
speeding in residential areas;
pulling out without indication;
performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets;
under taking on motorways and
taking up more than one lane in multi lane roads.

These drivers will be issued with flags, white with a red cross, signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and pedestrians.

Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will have to display a flag on each side of the car to indicate their greater lack of skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the general public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Department of Transport.

[Alan E]

Northern medical terms

---------- Post added at 14:29 ---------- Previous post was at 14:21 ----------

The Meaning of Life


On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For
this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."


The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.


On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year
lifespan."


The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" and
God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have
calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will
give you a lifespan of sixty years."


The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And
God agreed again.


On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."


But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and
enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

---------- Post added at 14:41 ---------- Previous post was at 14:29 ----------

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skilful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[STONEISLAND]

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit
the pillows when the old man f *rts and says, "One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
Theoldman replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Goal - 1-1".
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says,"Penalty- 2-1."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,
"Penalty - 2-2."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says,"Free Kick - Goal, 3-2."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten bya woman so he strains real hard, but to no avail.
Realising adefeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, andaccidentally he craps in the bed.
The wife says, What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, change sides"

[littld]

The funniest joke ever is:

"What's red and sits in a corner?"




"A naughty Fire Engine!"

nah! it is 'what is brown & sticky?'






"A stick"

[STONEISLAND]

Originally Posted by homealone

nah! it is 'what is brown & sticky?'






"A stick"

You see that is a a better joke.

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by littld

The funniest joke ever is: "What's red and sits in a corner?" "A naughty Fire Engine!"

I lol'd at that one