Jokes Thread

[Graham M]

*groooaaan*

[Derek]

Gene Pitney won't be getting buried for another few weeks.

The undertaker says it'll take that long to make a coffin from Oak.

Although if the family want to bury him sooner he said he could make one in 24 hours from Balsa.

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy approached the manager.

"Some old Git wants to buy half a head of lettuce", he said.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added," and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called the boy to his office.

"Although I can't condone the way you referred to that customer earlier,
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We
like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

"Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there," the boy
replied.

"Really?" replied the manager "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really??" replied the boy. "What team did she play for?"

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly.



She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in

there already.



The little boy says, "Dark in here."



The man says, "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have a football."



Man - "That's nice."



Boy - "Want to buy it?"



Man - "No, thanks."



Boy - "My dad's outside."



Man - "OK, how much?"



Boy - "£2 50"



A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in

the cupboard together.



Boy - "Dark in here."



Man - "Yes, it is."



Boy - "I have football boots."



The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" !



Boy - "£7 50"



Man - "Sold."



A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and

football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.



The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots."



The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"



Boy -"£1,000 ."



The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That

is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church to

make a confession."



They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

confession box and he closes the door.



The boy says, "Dark in here."



The priest says, "Don't start that crap again. You're in my

cupboard now"

[Gareth]

[Halcyon]

lol
He sure knows how to get out of sticky situations.

[MadGamer]

Originally Posted by Gareth

indeed

[Chris W]

merging with jokes thread

[Kliro]

Argh - I just got merged with the supermarket joke.

What a surreal experiance

[img]Download Failed (1)[/img]

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and
informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The
son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
he can, with love and compassion.






After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up
the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief,
the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.






Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts
into

whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The
patrons chant "Take another drink!"






The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip!
Plop!!

Two arms pop out.






The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.






By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop
out. The bar is in chaos.






The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands
up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right
through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and
kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.






The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,


*


*


*


*


(Wait for it)


*


*


*


*


(It's coming)


*


*


*


*


(Ya ready?)


*


*


*


*


(Don't hate me)


*


*


*


*


(Ya gonna hate me)


*


*


*


*


(Take a deep breath)


*


*


*


*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"

How old is that Still a good un though.

[Ramrod]

"Two Birds" Prescott admits affair †“ wife and mistress both 'crushed'

John Prescott has got one over on his cabinet colleagues, David Blunkett and the late Robin Cook, by getting his leg over with one of his secretaries. Tracey Temple, 43, was a diary manager at the ODPM and is now recuperating in hospital after sustaining crush injuries. The alleged politician †“ who loves to have two of everything - admitted to the affair today, just after breakfast and slightly before elevenses: "It's true," said the hulking northerner, "and yes, I'm just as surprised as you are that I managed it."

Prescott, whose name features as the answer in Trivial Pursuit to the question 'who ate all the pies', is believed to have started the affair with Miss Temple at a Christmas party as he waited impatiently for the food to arrive. "He told me he was famished," said the former mistress, "and then he asked me to go and hurry the caterers along. When I did this for him he must have taken a shine to me and it just took off from there. I suppose he just associated me with a large buffet."

Although the affair was reportedly common knowledge, it is believed that only the two protagonists themselves, and a large winching firm employed by Mr Prescott, had any idea what was really going on.

The deputy, back-up, stand-in prime minister is no stranger to controversy. In 2002 he was involved in a fracas with several Greenpeace activists on Brighton beach who mistakenly believed he was a beached whale. The activists began throwing water over Prescott, hoping to keep him cool until he could be returned to the sea. Instead, Two Jags lost his cool and began punching the do-gooders until they ran away.

"I've discussed this with my wife and we just want to be left alone so please don't come to my house," pleaded Prezza, "unless, of course, you're the pizza delivery boy."

An American goes into a bar and sits down next to an English guy.

The American notices that the English guy has a huge BIC Lighter.

The American says, "Wow cool lighter, where did you get it?"

The english guy says, "A genie granted me one wish when I rubbed this bottle".

"Wow", says the American, "Can I have a go?"

"Sure", Says the Englishman.

The american rubs the bottle and the genie comes out, "You have one wish" Says the genie.

The American wishes for a million bucks, the genie grants the wish.

About 5 minutes later a load of ducks come into the bar, there are thousands of them.

The American says "I don't believe this I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The englishman says "Well do you really think i wished for a 12 inch BIC?".

[Druchii]

New twist on a classic there...