Jokes Thread

[MovedGoalPosts]

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, ! "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this....






The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home"


\prepares to get told he's not funny - again

[marky]

my little boy loved that one
but he said i was the third pig

[Graham]

Originally Posted by marky

why does it take a woman with pmt an hour to change a bulb?

BECAUSE IT DOES

Someone tried one like this on an ex-girlfriend of mine to which she responded:

ONE! AND IT ISN'T FUNNY!!!

She delivered it with such conviction that it was several moments before they realised she was joking!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the
boss
asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[marky]

the image i have in my mind is well

[Stephen]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an aulder man.Let's go back tae mah place." So they go back to her place and have great sex.


Afterwards, Sean says,"If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "kay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand."

Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?"

Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet.

[Gareth]

Heh, bit rude but funny

To continue with the ruder jokes, here's another one...

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious".

[Graham]

A Scotsman went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a wellie over his crotch.

The host asked what he was doing and got the reply:

"Och, I'm just buggering aboot"

[MovedGoalPosts]

Please remember the Family Forum audience. A few posts are getting close to the wire.

[Hom3r]

Holiday Jokes Pt 2 I FOUND THEM

Did you know that on a pack of Anthony Worrell Thompson sausages it has on the back †œP**** with a forkâ₠¬Ã‚Â�.

A farmer in Devon is standing by his field when a yank pulls up in a car and enquires to how big his farm his, †œ1000 acresââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� said the farm, the yanks repliesââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� it takes me two days to drive across my ranchââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� the farmer replied †œI once had a car like thatââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Theyâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve just launched Viagra Eye drops, they make you look hard.

And John, Jock & Paddy are working on the 50th floor of a building, at lunch the John says if I get Cheese & Onion sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m jumping, the next day he has Cheese & Onion sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. At lunch the next day Jock says if I get Haggis sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m jumping, the next day he has Haggis sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. At lunch the following day Paddy says if I get Potato sandwiches tomorrow Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m jumping, the next day he has Potato sandwiches and jumps 50 floors to his death. There fellow workers are talking and saying †œI understand why John & Jock jumped, but Paddy made his own sandwiches.

A friend of mine is in hospital suffering from premature ejaculation, his condition is Touch and Go.

They got a Chippendales for the over 60â₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s there called the Chipolatas.

My granddad was playing bowls and put down a lovely ball. He asked how close is it †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢re a foot in front" the ref shouted back to him, †œWhat did he call meââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� said my granddad.

Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m a trainee magician I canââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t take a Rabbit out of a hat, but I can pull a hair out of my bum.

JUDGE: (To defendant) Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence
DEFENDANT: F*** all
JUDGE: (To clerk) What Did he say
CLERK: F*** all my Lord
JUDGE: Funny Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m sure I saw his lips move.

[Ramrod]

A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
__________________
Meanwhile, in other news......

Harry Potter fans warn against dangerous effects of Bible



A number of concerned British Harry Potter fans have spoken out against the Bible, claiming that the holy text of the Christian Church can cause serious damage to children. †œReading the Bible teaches children to believe in the supernatural,â↚¬ÂÂÂÂ� said one English Literature academic from Oxford University, Lewis Williams. †œThe tales of Jesus turning water into wine are fairly harmless, but there is a serious risk of children drowning if they try to walk on water,ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� he said. †œAnd the chance of serious bodily harm isnââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t exactly minimised by that whole †˜resurrection-from-the-deadââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ story either.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Christians have responded that reading the Bible assists with literacy skills, but Williams rejects this idea too. †œThe Bible is only ever read in very small chunks, a few paragraphs at a time. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s never read as a long sustained narrative like the Harry Potter series. Reading too much of the Bible promotes a very short attention span," he says.

Critics such as Williams warn that without appropriate parental guidance, reading the Bible may make children unable to enjoy quality childrenââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s literature. †œEnjoying books such as Harry Potter or the Narnia series requires the ability to suspend disbelief,ââ ¡Ãƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� he said. †œWhen children are taught that the Bible is absolutely literally true, and that a story like Noahââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Ark actually happened, the imagination is completely stifled †“ itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s very detrimental.âââ€à …¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

Williams has also pointed out that some of the scarier elements in fantasy novels will really frighten children if they think they are true. †œSome children may think that murderous Dark Wizards such as Voldemort (the villain of the Potter series) are actually real if theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ve been corrupted by Christians who believe that devils and magic actually exists,ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ� he said.

No idea if this has been posted


Communication




Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in
a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly."
That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone .I
have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided
he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and
went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from
his
Backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
Irishman glanced around behind him and said ... "B-Jesus, will you
look at that,
I'm
getting a fax!!!!

[marky]

Originally Posted by zinglebarb

No idea if this has been posted


Communication




Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in
a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly."
That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone .I
have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided
he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and
went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from
his
Backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
Irishman glanced around behind him and said ... "B-Jesus, will you
look at that,
I'm
getting a fax!!!!

LMFAO

[cara08]

Originally Posted by zinglebarb

No idea if this has been posted


Communication




Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting
naked in
a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed
his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly."
That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of
my
arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to
his
ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone .I
have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided
he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and
went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging
from
his
Backside. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
Irishman glanced around behind him and said ... "B-Jesus, will you
look at that,
I'm
getting a fax!!!!

this is a rarity........ you telling a funny joke

Originally Posted by cara08

this is a rarity........ you telling a funny joke

Oi You