Jokes Thread

[iron25]

FOR SALE: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. £1,000. 00 or best offer.

No longer needed.

Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

[Raistlin]

A guy goes for a wee in the gents and is standing next to a bloke who may or may not be called Mbegane Ndulu.
Having a look round as you do at these times, he notices the size of the other guys equipment and asks how it got to be so big.
Mbegane says that when he was a kid, his mum tied a rock to it using a bit of string and the weight made it grow bigger.
After a bit of thought, the first guy reckons it's worth a try.
3 weeks go by and as they do in jokes like this, the 2 men happened to meet in the same bog.....
Mbegane asks how it's going and the other guy says...
Well, it's halfway working.
It's gone black.

[Orior]

Hot off the press. Its been reported what the Queen gave Camilla for her wedding present.

A Mercedes and a weekend holiday in Paris.

[MovedGoalPosts]

My mate got a new car radio yesterday, it's voice activated. You just shout out what you want to hear and it plays it.

I borrowed his car to try it out. I shouted 'rock' and it played Bon Jovi, I shouted 'Reggae' and it played Bob Marley, then I shouted 'easy listening' and it played Tony Christie.

I was then driving along when some children run out in front of the car, I shouted 'f**king kids' and it played Michael Jackson

[Gareth]

A bloke walked into the local newspaper office looking a bit sad.

"My wife has just died and I wanted to put an announcement in the paper,

how much does it cost ?"

"It`s a pound a word" replied the girl behind the desk.

The old boy fumbled in his pocket and pulled out six quid, "it`s all I`ve
got, can I borrow your pen please ?"

He walked away to a counter and came back with his £6 and a scribbled note.

Wife died Wednesday night in sleep.

Feeling sorry for him the girl went away to ask her manager if she could
allow him 5 words for a pound. Feeling compassionate the manager agreed.



All of a sudden the old chap seemed to perk up a bit and went away to
scribble again returning a few minutes later with a new note :



Wait for it ....






Hankies at the ready....





Wife died Wednesday night in sleep. Metro 1.3L hatchback for sale, full
service history, lovely paintwork, alloy wheels, stereo, over-mats, seat
covers, electric front windows and recent oil change. £1,250 ono !

[thedales]

What is Oval in shape, brown and half eaten???









The pope's easter egg..

[Gareth]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo sh*t. Someone has stolen tent."
__________________

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[Tezcatlipoca]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lizzy Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads!"

[Ramrod]

My concience tells me that I'm going to have to stop shagg*ng dwarves with learning difficulties................


























...............................it's not big and it's not clever!

[Steve H]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night

[Orior]

Originally Posted by Steve H

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night

Good one!

England are planning to send a manned spacecraft to the Sun. When reporters suggested that the craft would burn up in the heat of the sun, the chief scientist replied that they were going to send the spacecraft at night.

[hoggyspuds]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "is my time up?"

God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."


Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair colour.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

She was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

SCROLL DOWN....




































God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
__________________

knock! knock!
who's there?
michael jackson!
michael jackson who?
you're on the jury!

[Ramrod]

'Live-blogging' a first (and definitely last) date.
This past weekend I somehow scored a date with this chick who is WAY out of my league, so I thought I would document it by †œlive bloggingââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� the entire thing. The plan is to bring my laptop along, and give you (and her) the juice as it happens. I know what youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re thinking: †œWhy didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t I think of that?ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� or more likely: †œYou are a retard.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� Well, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m doing it anyway.
Just for the record before I start, nothing about this seems like a bad idea at all and Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m 100% sure it wonââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t backfire in any way. Letââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s do it.

7:30 p.m. - I thought I told her Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d pick her up at 7:00, but I decide to be †œfashionably late.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� What I didnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realize was that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d taken †œfashionably lateââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� to a new level, as I was supposed to pick her up at 6:00. LAST Friday.

7:37 p.m. - She says sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s in the middle of doing †œpilates,ÃÂà ‚¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ƚÂÂ� but I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t see any airplanes anywhere. She is a liar. After a few minutes of persuasion, I finally convince her to bury the hatchet and come out even though sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s still a little ****ed. (Hopefully at the end of the night Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ll get to †œbury the hatchetââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� too.)

7:45 p.m. - Alright weââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re in the car on the way to the restaurant. I put in Meatloafââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s Bat out of Hell. This is my dating litmus test. If a chick doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t appreciate rock perfection, she doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t deserve to appreciate my superior wang. Unless sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s at least a D-cup or really, really smoking hot. Actually, the only criteria I have is that sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s female, and Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m even a little lenient on that.

7:57 p.m. - We just got to the restaurant, a nice little Italian place a friend told me about called Olive Garden. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s supposed to be pretty good. They gave me one of those little light-up buzzers and then I sat down three feet from them. I guess in case I decide to do a couple of warm-up laps around the parking lot, theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ll know where to find me.

8:04 p.m. - She just now asked me why I brought my computer along. As if it wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t odd enough that earlier I was typing and driving at the same time. I told her that I had $1000 on the Clippers and I needed to see how they were doing. †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢re funny,ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� she said.

8:33 p.m. - Got our table. I usually like to flirt with the waitresses a little to keep my dates on their toes, but tonight a tubby guy named Tony will be taking care of us. I tell him he has pretty eyes anyway.

8:40 p.m. †“ I try to make conversation, but having any intelligent interaction with this girl is like playing †œFind the Talentââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� with Ashlee Simpson and Carrot Top. (Sheââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s dumb.)

9:05 p.m. †“ Our food just arrived. She ordered some kind of salad. I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t know if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ve been to Olive Garden before, but ordering a salad there is like a skinny guy with long hair asking for anal penetration in jail. Itââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s GOING to happen regardless, except in jail Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m pretty sure †œsalad⠀ Â� has an entirely different meaning.

9:43 p.m. - Dinnerââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s over. She just excused herself to †œgo throw up.ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� Now Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m not usually a big pro-bulimia guy, but at least sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s honest about it I guess. Waitââ‚ ¬Ã‚¦ I just paid for her meal and sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s just going to puke it up? How disrespectful is that? Should I make her pay for it? Thereââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s no way Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m flushing my momââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s hard-earned money down the toilet like that. Literally.

9:50 p.m. - We just left the restaurant. I couldnââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t bring myself to make her pay for her meal. Not to worry, I have a plan to make this little overly-self-conscious regurgitation engineer get her †œjust desserts.ââ‚ ¬ÂÂÂÂ�

9:53 p.m. - For some reason I tell her she can pick the movie. My suggestion: anything but Fever Pitch. Her choice: Fever Pitch. She says: †œJimmy Fallon is funny. And cute.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� I say: †œAnd dealing with a couple extra chromosomes.âââ€à …¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� She doesnââ‚ƚ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t get it.

10:10 p.m. †“ Arrived at the movie theater, only for me to realize that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d †œaccidentally left my wallet at the restaurant.âââ€Å ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� She says sheââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢ll take care of it. After tickets, popcorn, a couple of drinks and my mandatory Sour Patch Kids, her grand total came to just over $40 (which is $10 more than I paid for our meals if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re scoring at home, or even if youââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re alone). I rule.

11:45 p.m. - The movie is over, THANK GOD. She says: †œDid you LOVE it?ââ‚Âà ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� I say: †œI can think of a few things I would have rather done with my time.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� Like unscrewing a couple burnt-out light bulbs and smashing them into my eye sockets.

(In hindsight, I guess you could get the same effect with normal light bulbs, not just burnt-out ones. Whatever.)

11:57 p.m. - On the way home from the movie, in a last ditch effort to cop a cheap feel, I try Frank Costanzaââ‚à ƒâ€šÃ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s †œstop shortââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� move, but it goes horribly wrong when I miscalculate the arm angle and she catches the business end of my elbow with her nose. Weââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢re on the way to the hospital now. She isnââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t happy. Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m trying to figure out how to get blood out of my new shirt.

12:11 a.m. - I tend to get a little squeamish when dealing with the sick and injured, so I dropped her off at the emergency room. Also, Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m pretty sure at this point in the evening my odds of getting any action are about as good as Michael Jackson ever fathering a human child.

(I think that was the first joke ever that included Michael Jackson and a child in which Michael Jackson did not have sex with said child. MJ likes little boys. There.)

12:28 a.m. - I am now sitting in the hospital parking lot stealing their wireless internet to look at porn. Itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s amazing what theyââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢re doing with science these days.

2:01 a.m. - I wake up from a deep sleep to her knocking on the window wearing one of those plastic facemasks that basketball players wear when they break their nose. I donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t know if I should be more embarrassed about the fact that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢m on a date with Bill Laimbeer or that Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d fallen asleep mid-pump, with my pants around my ankles and my penis in my hand.

2:11 a.m. †“ This has got to be the most awkward car ride of my entire life. Except maybe the time my mom had to come pick me up at school because Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢d fallen asleep in the reading loft mid-pump, with my pants around my ankles and my penis in my hand.

2:20 a.m. - I drop her off at her house. She says: †œThanks for like the worst date Iâ₠¬ÃƒÆ’¢â€žÂ¢ve ever had, jackass. Donââ‚Âà ‚¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t call me, EVER.ââ‚ƚ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� I say: †œYouâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€à …¾Ã‚¢re fat.ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ�

[iron25]

Originally Posted by Steve H

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to rise as digging continues into the night

Made me chuckle

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first nun, "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun answered, "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter then asked the second nun, "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?" 2nd nun answered, "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter asked her, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

[goldoni]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor, will 'ya? Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house".