Jokes Thread - Page 111

Kymmy · 03-04-2012, 21:24

Yet another test is whether you post the same joke as what was posted in this thread in 2007 and again in 2009

thenry · 03-04-2012, 21:33

carlwaring · 03-04-2012, 21:45

I kinda feel sorry for James Murdoch. He just couldn't hack it!

(Not mine, and slightly re-worked)

Cobbydaler · 03-04-2012, 23:03

A 30 stone man was walking down the street wearing a t-shirt that read:

I

hip hop

A guy walked up to him & said, "You don't look the sort to dance to Hip Hop"

The man looked down & said:

"Damn, The C & S have fallen off"...

Cobbydaler · 10-04-2012, 00:33

The difference between men & women:

Anonymouse · 14-04-2012, 14:11

Just found this - Unix Commands For Sex:

gawk; grep; unzip; touch; strip; init,
uncompress, gasp; finger; find,
route, whereis, which, mount; fsck; nice,
more; yes; gasp; umount; head, halt,
renice, restore, touch, whereis, which,
route, mount,
more, yes, gasp, umount, expand, ping,
make clean; sleep

- and there you are!

Derek · 14-04-2012, 15:12

Angela Merkel arrives at passport control at Athens Airport.
"Nationality?" asks the Immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?" he asks.
"No, just visiting for a few days."

Derek · 06-05-2012, 10:10

Shaggy. Who knows the abbreviation for "Rhinoceros".
Scooby."Rhino"
Shaggy."ok what is it scoob?"

Peter_ · 15-06-2012, 11:21

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)
listserv | Unknown | AP
Posted on 28 April 2006 01:09:36 by Chickensoup
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of Palm Springs, CA, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Derek · 21-07-2012, 07:31

How many G4S employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

4 soldiers and a Policeman.

TheNorm · 10-08-2012, 22:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by heero_yuy

A skellaton goes into a bar with a bucket and mop.

Stupid joke that was on breakfast TV a while ago. Many people just didn't get it.

The way I heard it: "... walks into a bar with a mop and orders a beer."

carlwaring · 10-08-2012, 23:07

Yeah. That sounds better.

Vieil Homme · 11-08-2012, 12:27

This nice weather doesn't fool me one bit. It's just a front.

---------- Post added at 11:27 ---------- Previous post was at 11:09 ----------

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable..

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but some good news and maybe some more good news.'

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry, mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is..

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good-sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?'

'Well,' the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

alanbjames · 11-08-2012, 14:13

All the big supermarkets are set to bring out a budget bikini this summer.

It's no frills.

Vieil Homme · 15-08-2012, 21:24

For that extra touch of style and authenticity, when your 14year old daughter has her first baby, make sure she has the nipples on the baby bottles pierced.