Jokes Thread

[thenry]

I was working out in the gym when I spotted a gorgeous young lady...

I asked the trainer who was near by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."

[Gary L]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

I saw this one and thought of Russ...sowwy Russ

For every bad joke told about a welsh man. a sheep gets it

[Kymmy]

Originally Posted by 1701-e

Took my gran to that Dignitas place for her final hours.
Went down for for breakfast but they only served Cheerios.

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

[LondonRoad]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

But some of us didn't and appreciate being kept in the loop

[1701-e]

Originally Posted by Kymmy

Someone's been watching "The One: Jasper Carrot"

The person who texted the joke to me perhaps

[thenry]

Can you spell "COW " in thirteen letters??





"SEE O DOUBLE-YOU..."

[Sox]

I put an ad in the classifieds on thursday

Wife wanted


on Saturday I got over 100 replies saying 'You can have mine'

[MalteseFalcon]

Hopefully this won't offend anyone. Apologies if it does it is not intentional.


Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys.
“What are you here for?” Asked the first child.
“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child.
“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!”
The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?”
“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child.
“Oh my God,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born! I did not walk for a year!”

[1701-e]

The wife gave me £50 to go and get something to make her look sexy.

you should have seen her face when i came back p!ssed!

[Sox]

A personal message to you from David Cameron……





The UK is in DEEP trouble...


The population of this country is



approximately 60 million.





32 million are retired.


That leaves 28 million to do the work..

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with fighting in Afghanistan

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.


Leaving 512,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.


And there you are,


Sitting on your arris,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

[pabscars]

Whats round and growls

Spoiler: 

A vicious circle

[1701-e]

Got my valentines card from moonpig yesterday......she hates it when i call her that!

[1701-e]

Just told my wife I don't want to be with her anymore because of her obsession with Will Young. She replied I think I better leave right now

---------- Post added at 13:20 ---------- Previous post was at 13:19 ----------

My mate packed in his job at McDonalds. He couldn't take it any more. He said the boss was a clown.

---------- Post added at 13:20 ---------- Previous post was at 13:20 ----------

Grammar. The difference between knowing your sh i t and knowing you're sh i t.

[Sox]

GOOD:
A traffic cop had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.
Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'SPEED TRAP AHEAD.'
The officer also found the boy had an accomplice, who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.


BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a £60 speeding ticket and a picture of his car speeding through an automated camera, was included.
Being cute, he sent the police a picture of three £20 notes.
The police responded with photos of handcuffs and the inside of a Magistrates Court.


BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The traffic cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policeman's Ball."
He replied, "Policeman don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

[thenry]

A newspaper reporter goes to a mental hospital to see exactly how things are done there and how a mental patient is actually determined to be mental.

So he mets the head doctor and the conversation goes like this;

Reporter: "So can you please tell me how do you decide that a patient is actually mental?"

Doctor: "Well we go into the bathroom and fill the bathtub and put a spoon a cup and a big bucket on the floor and ask the patient which one will emtpy the bathtub the fastest?"

Reporter: "So when the patient says the big bucket then you know the patient isnt mental?"

Doctor: "No when the patient pulls the plug in the bathtub then we know he is not mental, by the way we have a spare bed by the window if your interested!!!!"