Jokes Thread

[Ramrod]

The Good Husband

Adam wakes up with a huge hangover after attending the Staff Christmas
Party. Adam is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Adam had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to
them, a single red rose! Adam sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his
wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Vicki "

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Adam asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got
that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So,
why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99.
Hot Breakfast $4.20.
Two Aspirins $.38.

Saying the right thing, at the right time,

PRICELESS!!!!



---------- Post added at 01:04 ---------- Previous post was at 00:17 ----------

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"

[Silent Wings]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one
in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders
three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,
the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home,
we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it
there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the
same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking
drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars
in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the
second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief,
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "My brothers are fine. It's
me..."I've quit drinking!"

[lostandconfused]

IRISH MAN RESPONDS....

There was a Welshman, an Irishman, an Australian and an Englishman adrift in a liferaft in the middle of the ocean. The Englishman says "Oh no, we only have enough food to feed three people, so one of you is going to have to jump to the sharks. I’m going to ask each of you a question and whoever answers wrong jumps."
So he says to the Welshman "Where did the Titanic sink?"
The Welshman responds "In the ocean"
So he asks the Irishman "how many people were on board?"
The Irishman responds "about 5000"
So he says to the Australian "name them"

[Mr_love_monkey]

Originally Posted by lostandconfused

So he says to the Australian "name them"

that wasn't a question though

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

[Halcyon]

oh dear oh dear !!!

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.

She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Don't panic, I'm in hospital, I poisoned myself by eating a daffodil bulb, I thought it was an onion. The Doctor said I will be out in the spring

[Rodders]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in
an intellectual way.
---------------------------------

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Oley Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.Schitt, Ltd.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Stanley Casino]

haha

A university lecturer reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won' t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ar*e guy in the back of the lecture hall raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

One day, my wife was fresh from my shower, and was standing in front of the mirror complaining to me that her bosoms are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, she fetched a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her bosoms.

"How long will this take?" she asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I replied.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my bosoms every day will make them larger over a period of years?"

Without missing a beat I said, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, I may even walk again; although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw for a while yet.

I'm a stupid, stupid man.

I know everyone is probably busy posting in the many Sky vs VM threads, so I thought I would try to bring some humour to the CF...

A man walks into a chemist's with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool," says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then, who are these for?"

"Those are for university men," the Dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March ... "

[TheDaddy]

I saw that fat kid who nearly got taken into care being interviewed the other day, he was asked what his favourite musical instrument was ...........

he replied "the lunch bell"

[Halcyon]

Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end
of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they
had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.

Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was
the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they
left sticking out of the ground!"