Jokes Thread

[Cobbydaler]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in a terrorist attack.'

"Oh no!", the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks:

Spoiler: 

"How many is a Brazillion?"

[Cobbydaler]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted..."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark...

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming along one day, he saw the strange cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", was the reply.

Eager to put things right, Justin set off for Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted; "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and let me see you..."

Christian replied; "No way; you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back; "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

Spoiler: 

"I've found Cod... I'm a Prawn again Christian"

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by Cobbydaler

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted..."

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark...

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming along one day, he saw the strange cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", was the reply.

Eager to put things right, Justin set off for Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted; "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and let me see you..."

Christian replied; "No way; you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin shouted back; "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

Spoiler: 

"I've found Cod... I'm a Prawn again Christian"

That was definitely one i'm emailing around

[Orior]

A guy is driving around Belfast when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the man says.

"Ten pounds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff�

I apologise in advance.............

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"
And Arnie says, "Ah'll be Bach!"

==================================================

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

[Halcyon]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!

[Druchii]

Originally Posted by Halcyon

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!

Originally Posted by Halcyon

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!

Must have been a RAM buffer overflow

[1701-e]

TaxmanAt the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?""Good question," noted the Rabbi."We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.""Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.But on he went, in his obnoxious way:"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?""Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. ”We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.""I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi."Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?""Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi."What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d1ck."

[HSH85]

Pretty funny 1701

[1701-e]

The Cardiff Times
October 9, 2006

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the welsh soccer team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.















(sorry welsh fans.... i 'm only jokin)

[huxleypiguk]

Bad timing after a 3-1 over Cyprus.

[pedantic]

Originally Posted by huxleypiguk

Bad timing after a 3-1 over Cyprus.

It was posted before the game though.

>There were two nuns...
>
>One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) , and the other one was
>known as Sister Logical (SL) .
>
>It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
>
>SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
>thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
>
>SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
>
>SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
>can we do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
>
>SM: It's not working.
>
>SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
>started to walk faster, too.
>
>SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
>
>SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
>this way. He cannot follow us both.
>
>So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
>
>Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has
>happened to Sister Logical .
>
>Then Sister Logical arrives.
>
>SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
>
>SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he
>followed me
>
>SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
>
>SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
>and
>he started to run as fast as he could.
>
>SM : And?
>
>SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
>
>SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
>
>SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
>
>SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
>
>SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
>
>SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
>
>SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
>man with his pants down .
>
>And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you

[Ramrod]

No matter what the Hymie Rabinowiytz does in bed, his wife never achieves
orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult
their rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his
beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man.
While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over
you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and the
wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
Okay," he says to the husband, "let's try it reversed." Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. They go home and hire a
strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the
husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm
and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting, screaming
orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
"'You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.