Jokes Thread

[grandmaster]

Apologies if these have been posted before....

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the com-mercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
around
2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would
trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She
was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '****. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for
it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I
lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next
Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour
slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told
them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on
Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

[altis]

A bear walks up to the bar and asks "Can I have a pint of................................................ .................................................. .................................................. ........lager?". The barman replies "Sure, but whay the big pause?".

[Orior]

Until further notice BA has halted all flights from the UK.

BA announced "I aint getting on no plane you crazy fool"

[Ramrod]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado. They are whirled off to the land of OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly and says, "I've come for some courage."

"No Problem! says the Wizard. Who ' s next? "

Richard Nixon steps forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up steps Dubya and says,

"I'm told by some of the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem! said the Wizard.

"Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but he doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?"



"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

[Gareth]

Originally Posted by altis

A bear walks up to the bar and asks "Can I have a pint of................................................ .................................................. .................................................. ........lager?". The barman replies "Sure, but whay the big pause?".

You forgot the punch line.

"Dunno, I've always had them", replied the bear.

[Wicked_and_Crazy]

A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question and

tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the


cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches


from a large plate glass window.





For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still


shaking driver said,





"I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."





The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't


realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.





The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry. It's my entire fault. Today is


my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 35 years"

recently met a Chinese man and his name was Sipho Mthetwa, and I asked:

'' How did you ever get a name like Sipho Mthetwa, being a Chinese man?''

Many, many years ago when come to South Africa, I was standing in line at

Home Affairs Document Centre. Man infront was big black man. Lady at
counter look at him and ask, ''What is your name ", he says, ''Sipho
Mthetwa".

Then she look at me and asks, "What is your name?
I say "Sem Ting''.

Dear Friends and Relatives:

I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for amonument to George W. Bush. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore but discovered there's not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of George in the Washington, D.C. Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Richard Nixon, who never told the truth, since George W. could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Republican of them all. He left not knowing where he was going and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money.

Thank you,

GeorgeW.BushMonument Committee

P.S.The Committee has raised $1.35 so far.

[basa]

At dawn's early light, the telephone rings...

"Hello, Mr Smith? This is Jackson... the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Jackson. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Uh...I'm just calling to advise you Sir, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International speaking competition?"

"Yes Sir...that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Sir."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed the parrot rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Sir, he ate the meat of your dead horse!"

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred that won the Breeders Cup, Sir. He had died from a heart attack pulling the big water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Sir!"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Sir! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the..!! There's electricity at the house!! What the hell was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Sir."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, funeral. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a burglar. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike driver."

A long pause of complete silence...

"Jackson, if you broke that driver, you're a dead man

---------- Post added at 13:00 ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 ----------

A young couple drove their car to Tesco only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the car park. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me †œTony Blair.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her †œGordon Brown.ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ�
We take care of your needs, so we'll call you †œthe People.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ�
We'll call the au pair †œthe Working Class,ââ‚Ã⠀šÃ‚¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ÂÂ� and your baby brother we can call †œthe Future.ââ‚à ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂÂ� Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously filled his nappy, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he said to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of sh*t.

[Orior]

Who says being a hostage is difficult? Sure I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

[TheDaddy]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman who waves at him and says hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies," I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I f***** on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my a*** with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

[Rodders]

Warning...Beer contains Female Hormones

Last month, Scientists at Leicester University released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer & lager.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The findings were that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Originally Posted by Rodders

Warning...Beer contains Female Hormones ...snip...

Duck and cover!

I just want to say that peeing, sitting down, makes a lot of sense - when at home, anyway - and I drink wine, which isn't made with hops