You're a dead man Paul
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A dyslexic man walks into a rab........................
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.....................
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20 lines from Star Wars that can be improved if you substitute the word 'pants'
1. A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
2. We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
3. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander.
4. These pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
5. I find your lack of pants disturbing.
6. These pants contain the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.
7. Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
8. General Veers, prepare your pants for a surface assault.
9. Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
10. I used to bulls-eye Womp-rats in my pants back home.
11. Governor Tarkin. I should have recognised your foul pants when I was brought on board
12. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark!
13. That blast came from those pants! That thing's operational!
14. Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into a lot of pants more heavily guarded than this.
15. Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
16. Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
17. Yeah, well short pants are better then no pants at all, Chewie.
18. Attention. This is Lando Calrissian. The Empire has taken control of my pants. I advise everyone to leave before more troops arrive.
19. I cannot teach him. The boy has no pants.
20. You came in those pants? You're braver then I thought.
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25 Proverbs to a Healthier Life
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and
said:
"Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a
spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into
the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare
my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful
and happy doing do."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sautÃÃâ€*’©ed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't f_cking think so!"