A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"
The guy beside him stiffens. "Before you start, buddy, I think you oughta know something: I'm 6' 2" tall, weigh 200 pounds. I was born and raised a redneck. This ol' boy sittin' next to me is 6' 4", 225 and a redneck through and through. And that redneck sittin' next to him is better'n 6' 6", 275. Now, sonny, do you still want to tell your little joke?"
To which the first guy replies, "Nah. I'd hate to have to explain it three times!"
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus," the bird answered.
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Two atoms are walking down the street when they run into each other. The first says to the second, "Are you all right? You don't look so good."
"I'm not feeling very well," says the second atom. "I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the first.
"Yeah, I'm positive!"