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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,876
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
'O' LEVEL EXAMINATION PAPER
FOR THE IRISH IMMIGRANTS
TIME ALLOWED - THREE FORTNIGHTS
1. What language does a Frenchman speak?
2. What is a Silver Dollar made of?
3. What country is the Queen of England Queen of?
4. Who invented Stephenson's Rocket?
5. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? Yes or No
6. What is a coat hanger used for?
7. Where is the basement in a three-story building?
8. At what time is the †œNews at Tenââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ on?
9. What wood do you get from an Oak tree?
10. How many commandments are there?
11. How composed †œBeethoven's 5th Symphonyââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ?
12. What are sandcastles made from?
13. What do Anteater's eat?
14. Who painted Whistlers mother?
15. What lives in a birdcage?
16. In what city is the London Palladium?
17. What colour is a Blackbird?
18. How long is a yardstick?
19. To how did Stanley say †œDR Livingstone I presume.ââ‚ ‚¬Ã‚ÂÂ?
20. What game is a tennis ball used in?
21. Who wrote the †œDiaries of Samuel PeypesÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â�
22. What statue stand on the top of Nelsons Column?
23. In the 1972 sheep dog trials how many dog were found guilty?
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KNOW YOUR ENEMY
NO 43. PEOPLE YOU HAVE TO
SHARE YOUR FRIDGE WITH
l Type A
Mr †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This is the worst b******d of all. He or she will drive you CRAZY by distorting hippy or left wing values in order to excuse himself for ripping off your grub! He will make you feel like a complete, petty Nazi, possessionist breadhead, because heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s eaten all your bacon. He will adopt an INFURIATINGLY reasonable, soft spoken tone and say, †˜Look if it really means that much to you, Iâ₠™ll buy you some more.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ but you know itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s midnight and your hungry now. Of course you are more than welcome to help yourself to this guyââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s stuff, but who wants an empty tube of Craft cheese spread?
l Type B
Ms †˜Look why donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t we have a house kitty and buy a communal sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ This girl is a complete nuisance. She doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t realize that Mr †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ will eat it and say †˜Hey look, itâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s only a sausageââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢
l Type C
Mr and Ms †˜Look those sausages are mine and JackieÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢sÃà ‚¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢à €žÂ¢ The house couple, and a right pain, they have electric fences and snarling Doberman Pinchers round their neat, well-stocked bit of the fridge. And every night, they cook themselves PROPER MEALS, like spag bolââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s and amazingly together things like that, and have YOGHURTS afterwards. They form a united front, and are totally unassailable in fridge matters. And then thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s a bit of their amazing spag bol left, and you drool a bit, but no, they scrape it into a bowl and put clingfilm over it and go upstairs and make the floorboards creak all through †˜The Untouchablesâ↡¬â„¢.
l Type D
Mr Sticky Label A perfect gent, marks his own stuff clearly, and uses only that . . . Except I could really do with a cup of tea, and heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢s got loads of milk, if I just pinch a bit...
QUESTION:Why did Juliet stab herself in the Capulet tomb?
ANSWERS: Because Romeo had eaten her last sausage, despite the fact it was clearly marked †˜ J †™ in biro, and in her part of the FRIDGE.
QUESTION: Why did Delilah cut off all SamsonÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s hair?
ANSWER: Because she caught him using a bit of her milk in his coffee, and all right it was only a splash, but it just seems to happen every time, and the other night she brought some friends back for coffee, and three wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t enough milk, which was ridiculous, because sheââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d only bought it the day before, and thereÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s no way the house can be run if people donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t feel confident about leaving private property in the FRIDGE.
QUESTION:Why did Paul McCartney leave Jane Asher for Linda Eastman?
ANSWER:Linda might not be as talented as Jane, but at least she doesnÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t deliberately peel off the sticky labels marked †˜Paulâà ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ž ¢sââ ¬â„¢ that heâ₠¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢d put on the half empty box of fish fingers, in the ice-making compartment of the FRIDGE.
QUESTION:What keeps Cliff and Sue together?
ANSWER:Their fridge is broken.
But donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t blame the fridge.
When Napoleon invaded Russia to get his yoghurt back, it wasnâ₠¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that nicked it.
When the †˜I hadnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t even opened this carton of orange juiceÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢ war (later known as †˜The Second World Warââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢) started, it wasnââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢t the fridge that had drunk the juice. No. IT WAS THATCHER
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STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
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