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Mum 15/08/46 - 30/09/20
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Galactic Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, www.daves-world.co.uk. A secret Moonbase (shh don't tell anybody)
Age: 55
Services: 1 V6, 2x1TB TiVo, SH3. Samsung Galaxy Note 10+ 5G, Ton's of Smart Home stuff, & Cuddy Toy
Posts: 16,876
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Re: [merged] The Joke Thread (Part 2)
LEARN TO DRIVE A GERMAN CAR
In the single European Market, we must learn to adapt to our fellow Europeans and their products, including Germany and their cars. In this short, but informative guide, I will attempt to translate the rather complicated German Descriptions, into more sensible English Ones.
Indicators.................. Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet.................. Pullknob und Knucklechopper
Exhaust.................. Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer.................. Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Clutch.................. Die Kuplink mit Schlippen und Schaken
Puncture.................. Die Phlatt mit Bludy****en
Learner.................. Die Twatten mit Elplatz
Estate Car.................. Der Bagmeroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking Meter.................. Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwer
Windscreen Wiper.................. Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredden
Foot Brake.................. Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen
Gear Lever.................. Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Breathalyser................. .................. Die Pufflintem fur Pisten****n
Rear View Mirror.................. Der Yokunter Tecklosen
Seat Belt... .................. Der klunkenklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights .................. Das Dippendontdazzelubastad
Exhaust Fumes....... .................. Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
Highway Code......... .................. Der Wipan fur ****n
Fog Warning.... .................. Die puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt
Traffic Jam.................. .................. Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblasten
Rear Seat.................. Der Schpringentester
Tyres......... .................. Flattfahrts
Backfire.... .................. Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut .................. Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident... .................. Der Bledinmess
Near Accident... .................. Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
Happy Motoring...
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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majestyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, †œsâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ will be used instead of the soft †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ. Sertainly, sivil servants will reserve this news with joy. Also, the hard †œcâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ will be replaced with †œkâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome †œphÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â will be replased by †œfâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ. This will make words like †œfotografà¢ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã‚à  20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent †œeâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â€ŠÂ¢sââ ¡Ã‚¬Ã‚ in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing †œthÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚Â by †œzâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ and †œwâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ by †œvâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary †œoâà ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ kan be dropd from vords kontaining †œouÃƒÂ¢à ¢â€šÂ¬Ã‚ÂÂ, and similar khanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru
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A grim and ghostly mist swirled over the rain sodden streets of North London. The silence was broken only by the hooting of a very gifted bat. The moon was full, and Astronauts queued outside. The wind whistled all through the night and other Welsh hymns.
A car pulled up outside No.15 Birchwood Close as Nigel was giving Shirley a lift home. Nigel was an exceptional young man, heart of gold, nerves of steel, alabaster feet and a knob of butter. It had been a lovely romantic evening, an intimate romantic dinner for two, a single red rose and a candle. Not very tasty but lots of roughage.
Nigel hoped that Shirley would ask him in for coffee, or better still some rampant horny sex. Last time he recalled all he got was a peck on the cheek, but thatââ‚ ¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s one of the drawbacks of keeping a parrot in your underpants. †œWhy donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t you come up to my flat for some rampant horny sex?ââ‚ ¬Ã‚ said Shirley. Nigel could hardly believe his ears, but nobody could, they were six feet long and covered in fur. Shirleyââ‚à ‚¬Ã¢â€žÂ¢s flat was small and cold, but fortunately, it was also large and warm.
†œOh! Before anything happens, Iâ₠™m not on the pill.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said Nigel. †œDonâà ƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¡Ã‚¬Ã¢â€ ¾Ã‚¢t worry.ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚Â said Shirley, †œPut this on.ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚ Nigel put it on. It was the Beachboys Greatest Hits. Nigel and Shirley gazed at each other, their eyes met, to form one huge eye that could see in four directions. There was a pause, it was Nigel that broke the silence. He apologized and opened a window. Relaxing with the music and wine they both started to undress, there was a slight moment of embarrassment for Nigel when he took his underpants off and the parrot flew out.
They sat opposite each other naked on the bed, Shirley had the most perfect breasts, he leaned towards her and they embraced, there are not many breasts that can do that! Nigel licked his lips, he then licked the small of his back. Which, for my money beats the breast trick anyday.
They made love. Afterwards, Shirley took out a packet of cigarettes †œI thought there was something in the way.â₠¬Ã‚ said Nigel.
†œNigelâ € said Shirley †œAm I the first girl you have ever made love to?ââ‚ ¬Ãƒâ€šÃ‚Â
†œI donââ‚ ¬ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â‚¬Å¾Ã‚¢t knowââ‚ ¬Ã‚ said Nigel †œWere you ever stuck in a lift in Harrods in 1979?ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šà ¬Ã‚ÂÂ
THE END
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STAY AT HOME: I found out that mum will never walk again as the coronavirus attacked her nervous system. She died on September 30th, wearing a mask and she still might be alive today.
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