A reporter is interviewing sir paul mcCartney about his divorce and asks him
" Well Paul, When the divorce is over do you ever think you`ll go down on one knee again?"
Sir paul relies " I would but i`d prefer it if you called her Heather"
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One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair,
he had his first meeting with a demon. The Devil asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw
up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the Devil asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world
and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead,
remember?"
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
The Devil continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.
You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . ."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of
crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the
drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never
realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The Devil said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"
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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
I'll give you a £100 if you let me have you!" But the girl said "NO!"
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for £200, then pick up the money very fast.
He won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied, "The ******* used one pence coins!"