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Re: [Merged] Jokes Thread
AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
Dear Diary,
For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training at the
local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a
personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified
herself as a 24 yr old aerobics instructor and Model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out
of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me. She
was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics
class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it
in the whole time she was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I
finally made it out of the door. Vanessa made me lie
on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for
me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving
my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky that
early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me
on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
**** too.
THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were
pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to
tie my shoes. Vanessa took me to work out with
dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then,
as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which
I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any
human being has ever hated any other human being in
the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body
I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat
her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my triceps
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the F***NG
Barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on
a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why
I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However,
I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD that this
week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is
fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy
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